Battery or Alternator problem?
 

I went to start my car tonight and it acted like the battery was almost dead. I know I didn't leave my lights on and it has been starting just fine up until tonight's incident. After it didn't turn over, I let it sit for a minute and tried again. After let it crank for a few seconds, it _barely_ started. I noticed all the guages in the instrument cluster went bonkers, sweeping to max and min a couple times. Then I also noticed the engine automatically revved up to around 2k RPM. The DCS light started blinking, the "swerving car" light came on steady, and the CEL came on steady. After sitting for a minute, I tried revving it up higher and no matter how far I depressed the gas pedal, it would only go up to around 3k RPM. I let it sit and "idle" for 5 or so minutes before deciding to start driving home. It felt like I had about 50 HP ... it would only go about 7-8 MPH in first, so I shifted up to second and got up to around 15. After finally accelerating (slooooowly), I shifted to third for a whopping 26 MPH top speed. All the while, maxing around 2500-3000 RPM. After I got home, I shut her off and waited a minute to try again. After turning the key, it had the same slow response to turn over, but at least this time the instruments didn't do their sweeping motions. The "swerving car" and CEL lights still illuminate, but the DCS doesn't blink now.

Any ideas? I'm going to _try_ to get into a dealer service shop tomorrow, but this is weird. It's like the car's computer is restricting the power/revving and I don't know how to reset it.

I think the sweeping motion is an after result of "disconnected battery" effect. The DSC light could be the powersteering reset. You are in limp mode, <3000 rpm, maybe faulty coils, cat, etc.

sounds like the alternator, but by now your battery is probably dead too
but i might be wrong

Took it into the dealer (regardless of how bad their service was the last time I went) and they said it was the battery and the ignition coils. I had to buy a new battery, but everything else was covered under warranty. They tried to find other stuff to charge me for, but I declined. They said they wanted to clean the fuel induction system for a low price of $210. Not sure how realistic that is, so I'll try to see if anyone else here has dealt with that.

WAIT A SECOND...... u had to buy a new battery......no thats covered under warranty..... i got mine covered under warranty i had the same sorta thing happen to me.... they replaced my battery at i believe it was 10k miles on the clock.....i would go back n raise hell.