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Today, I finally broke my two year dry spell, but as she was putting on the condom, I came. She laughed from the time she was putting on her clothes to when she walked out the door. I don't think she's going to call back. FML
Today, I tried to suck my own *****. Autofellatio. My mother walked in on me and I flipped backwards off the bed. ER and 10 stiches above my eyebrow later, I asked her not to ever bring it up again. FML
Today, the girl I'm in love with told me she might be a lesbian. She then asked me if I wanted to have sex with her. Does she wanted to make 100% she was a lesbian? Her reply was: "No, I just think you'd be a good transition". FML
Today, I was having sex with a girl. After we finished she proceeded to tell me she already had a boyfriend and that his ***** was larger then mine. FML
Today, I had sex for the first time with a guy. After he passionately made love to me, I turned to him and said "you smell really good." He turned to me and said "You don't." FML
Today, I was performing the classic 69 position with my girlfriend. I wasn't able to control it : I farted right into her nose. FML
Today, I realized that instead of actually trying to get a job, save money, lose weight, and get thin so I could maybe attempt to date again; I'd rather spend my money on a Fleshlight. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were looking for our bubblegum flavored "numbing" lotion to have some morning fun. We couldnt find it anywhere. After about 10 minutes, my little nephew comes from my room crying and drool coming out of his mouth. He smelt like bubblegum, his mouth and tongue were all numb. FML
Today, my girlfriend came home with new condoms: Manix Endurance containing a numbing gel designed to help me "last longer". FML
Today, My girlfriend who I've been dating for over a year was going to Florida for a short trip with a few friends without me since I couldn't get work off. She asked me to put her iPod in her bag for her as she was almost ready to walk out the door. Thats when I saw she packed 10 condoms with her. FML
edit: this one just made me laugh for a minute....
Today, my girlfriend was giving me head while I was watching Star Trek and I accidentally called her Spock. FML
Today, my mom needed coffee so I drove to Starbucks to get her some. She let me drive the Porsche, which has never happened. Upon coming home I picked the coffee up out of the cupholder so it wouldnt spill. My phone vibrated in my pocket, I spilled the coffee and crashed the car into the garage. FML
Unfortunately I can't see that site from here at work so thanks to those who are posting them here.
Didn't think about sites being blocked. Here's the one I posted last:
Today, I told my mom about my night terrors in which I am laying in a ditch with people shooting at me, and I have no ammunition to defend myself. She told me I should stop being such a whiny bitch, and to grow up and be a man. I am 20 and got back from Iraq 10 months ago. FML
Today, I asked a boy I like to prom by writing all over his car. After nervously sitting by the phone all day, I decided to go out to get lunch. I found the word "No!" written all over my car. FML
Today, a woman threw her car in reverse at an intersection and backed up into me, while I was at a complete stop. She called the cops accusing me of rear ending her. I now have a $146 ticket for reckless driving, and around $2,500 in damage to the front of my car. She's suing for her damages. FML
Today, I was at work, about to go to lunch. There were some girl scouts out front selling cookies. I told my manager that I would be using a different exit, and when he asked why, I told him that girl scouts really annoy the crap out of me. The girl scouts out front were his daughters. FML
Today, I checked my facebook, and my wife of 5 years was listed as single. I then write on her wall that it is ok to announce to be married. She writes back saying that we have to talk and to come to the kitchen. My wife divorced me over facebook. FML