SsseeYa

A few of my friends here know my situation. Those who don't I won't divulge any specifics, but I will just say that I am single again after a 4 year marriage. The separation was a messy and put me in total shock with how things happened. So you have that... Now enter a friend of mine that I'd had wonderful chats with in the past and lots of fun on one of the online games I frequent. She had always been like a good friend and I have really enjoyed her company. Well, the last few days in the wake of what has happened she's confided in me that she was glad that things are the way they are and happened like that did-that she had always been very interested in me and thought I had to be the last of a dying breed of gentleman. She knows most all of my lifes history from way back when as she was a great friend, and I know all of hers so in that right we feel like we've known each other for a long while. If that was it, it would be pretty simple, I'd just take her out and date for a while to see if the chemistry really is there-but it's never quite that simple is it? Well, as some of you know It's coming up on a month since I've been separated and in that relationship I gave 110% of all I had to make it work and her to be happy, so when things happened like they did (again, no details here-stop being so nosey! hehe) I was destroyed. I sought comfort in the arms of my friends and she like the others was there for me with great words of kindness and comfort. Well, accelerate the story some. This is where some of the complications come in, she's from Puerto Rico and several years younger than me. I had already sworn off younger women with the end of the last relationship swearing I wanted the maturity of a 30+ year old next time. But she has always been the one of the most levelheaded and dedicated persons that I know. She currently is a Model, but is working on her Teaching degree so she's got a good life plan in place and is a hard worker. If you can't see where this is going, I can spell it out a bit for you from here. I've began to take a more than Friend interest in her now and she in me. We have actually begun talking about her visiting for New Years and seeing where things go from there. While I know it's too soon to trust myself in knowing about a long term relationship, am I crazy for wanting and allowing for something like this too? I'm not asking if I should marry her right away mind you, lol. I know better than that. It would just be a rebound and unfair to us both. But in getting back out there she and I would have a great chance with our past history of friendship. I don't muddle around when it comes to my heart and if indeed there is something between us and compatibility is there we've already discussed what it could mean to her and I both. We are both more than willing to accept that and enjoy whatever develops from this. Now, I realize that a lot of you are going to tell me I'm insane for even considering the possibility of this relationship, and to be honest that is why I'm here. To hear the voice of reason. I'm pretty stubborn and will probably go on to make my own mistakes regardless, but at least I won't go in blind :p So how about it? Can somone such as myself at this stage in a crushed long term relationship begin to pick up the pieces and build another great one if care is taken not to move things too fast? What is too fast? These last few days I've smiled bigger than I've smiled in a LONG time, so at the very least I know that it can't be all wrong at the early stages that this relationship is.... Thoughts? *Puts on Flame Suit and braces for attack*

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hotpot

You have my blessing. Go for it.
You don't want to have regrets five years down the line.
But bear in mind that long distance relationships rarely work out.

XeRo

just don't end up like Ross on Friends....

"we were on a BREAK!"...lol

man you just have to trust your instincts...if there is absolutely no possible way to mend your relationship with your wife and splitting is the only thing left than you have no reason to hold anything back...but if for one instance you think that there is a chance to work things out with her, I think you should try that first and your friend like always would (should) be there no matter the outcome.

It's human nature to want companionship, despite what some people say. Human's even though some, introverted, need the closeness of someone or many people. So it's not "odd" or crazy to want to be with someone even after an ordeal you have gone through...

and i guess it's time to change your sig....

Coop '04

Go for it, but be cautious after the hell you were through any thing that's a little good will seem great, so since this is alot more than a little good it must seem absolutely amazing. Just saying your judgment may be a little skewed that's all. Just be careful, and give it time, BTDT

TODreamer

My friend....

I was in a strikingly similar situation.....and I just went for it... now I couldnt be happier as it was probably the best move I've ever done thus far..... our "big day" is in a few months

No two situations are the same, but there is no hurt in just trying it.... you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. If it doesn't work out... chalk it up to an experience, no biggie, they can't all workout no matter what the demographic is; and if it does work out... well hey, you win! right?

nothing tried, nothing gained

guy321

Man, don't listen to these guys..

The last thing you need right now is more complication.. if it weren't complicated you wouldn't be posting.. so something in your mind said "Woah buddy be careful" I would listen to it.. Don't even think "relationship" right now.. You still aren't thinking straight She lives in Puerto Rico right?? last time I checked that's a LONG way from Ohio.. Atleast wait till your current marriage is finalized!

TODreamer

whats the harm in just checking things out??.... the dude is separated so whats the problem?... if it goes nowhere, then it goes nowhere and vice versa.

Either way it goes there is fun to be had, it doesnt have to be so complicated and at the cost of what?? I didn't say "go and drop loads of cash on the girl and fall in love over night"

Long Distance relationships are definitely a toughie.... but they can work out if you develope a plan in the near future......

but for now... theres no harm in trying something that cant harm you and taking it one day at a time

guy321

Well, his 4 year marriage breakup happened less than a month ago (about 3 weeks is my guess!?) .. and he's already used the word "relationship" describing a woman who lives a thousand miles away..

That doesn't holler WAIT to you?

If he'd split up 6 months ago, etc then I would agree with you.. He just got a "little" closure last week..

SsseeYa

That's just it though, I have accepted that the marriage is over and that it's not going to change. She found her happiness, it's time I move on to mine. But you are right, at the same time I am having a something tugging in the back of my head that says 'whoah there buddy'. I think that it just might be the happy memories of what was, trying to hang on to a ideal that just doesn't exist. I agree that in no way could I propose true long term relationship right now and know in my heart I am ready. Nor would I do so before we can finalize our divorce. But the truth of the matter there is that the divorce won't have even the slightest chance of being final for at least 8 months thanks to the Bankruptcy I have to file now first.

You are right about long term relationships being tough. But in honesty, that was how my relationship with my wife started as well (granted not NEAR as far as Puerto Rico)! :p She has been planing to go to Spain this summer for more classes there, but if things work out in our favor and we feel there can be more she could just as easily come here for her school making it a local relationship.

You other guys are right, this feels better than fantastic as it seems like it's been so long since I truly felt loved, so feeling what could be the highs of the start of a relationship can be overly intoxicating. Which is, of course, why I came to you guys to keep me leveled if need be.

TODreamer

what is with this "time" thing... this is how people get into trouble. What people have a hard time understanding is that there is not necessarily a rule of thumb when it comes to Time and relationships.....its not always positively correalted.. "oh, you were in a 4 year marriage so it takes x amount of time to get over it"... not for everybody in every case.... Time is a something to be used...but it does not promise anything

and you don' know what was going down in those 4 years of marriage anyways.... the "marriage" could have been dead in their hearts long before.... the legal aspect of it really proves/delivers nothing other than "legality"

foxman

LD and online relationships are tough and can be tricky, regardless of how they progress. I have experience with both. Add this to your current state and to me this says complications.

Here is something to consider. The unknown and undefined always looks better than the known and well defined. The LDR/online aspect of your situation accentuates this. There is even more longing/wanting/thinking/hoping and IMO fantasizing given this circumstance. It is too easy to let this take hold and be the driving force. There is a honeymoon period in any relationship. It lasts 6 mos to 1 year. Could be a bit more, could be less. And you are not really even in this period yet, you are pre-honeymoon.

You are rocked and reeling right now from what happened to you, plus this relationship is at the dating dance stage. Your friend is most likely a wonderful person, but there are so many things to consider for you.

Whatever you do...T A K E I T S L O W. Your best judgement will always win in the end. Just don't let it progress too rapidly.

Remember the dog and plant analogy? You need to take care of yourself first right now. You need to experience the full range of emotions of the healing process: anger, bargaining, frustration, etc. and then acceptance. This process takes time, do not discount it.

hotpot

He needs companionship right now. So why not? I'm sure he's mature and experienced enough to handle the situation.
If it doesn't work out, the fact that she lives far away would make things easier to handle too.

guy321

The reason I say wait is that .. you may not feel it or notice it, you are most likely suffering a bout of temporary depression.. So in order to feel "better" your brain will latch on to any bit of happiness you experience and magnify it...

Im no phyche major... but that's how MY brain works

guy321

Did you read his sig???

hotpot

Guy321 is the bloke who hangs out with strippers. Maybe he's trying to tell you somethng. :D

TODreamer

words mean nothing

guy321

Those strippers are just friends!

SsseeYa

You are right about that and it seems we are of the same mind on that. There are a few things that sway me against my own beliefs there though:

1) She found someone and claims her happiness so why couldn't I now that it's over?
2) Even if it turned out to be nothing at all and doesn't work out, is there really anything lost?
3) At this point we are only talking about her coming up for New Years. The equivelent of a first date (only one where you know the persons really well already).

I know for certain there is no reconciliation in the relationship lost with my wife. Having gained that little bit of closure, I can now see many things in her that belittled all I believe in. Trust would be near impossible to find again with her like that, and likewise she has absolutely no interest and shows no deep concern whatsoever for me in her new life as far as actions speak. She is a wonderful woman and I wish her the best and truly want her to be successful in her endeavor, and at the same time I know I'm a great guy and have little reason to crawl into a shell and let me heart waste away. :p

You still think it's a bad idea given those points? I could see it if I were proposing for her to move in now, but as it is its just a visit this time. I value your opinion greatly so I'm very interested to know further your thoughts.

theCATALYST

I have the same type of friend in washington state from online gaming. I live in Texas by the way, and have been married 9 years now. This friend you speak of reminds me a lot of mine, model, highly educated, and the flirtation is definately there. BUT, as I said, I am married, this we both understand, and have never thought of crossing the line. Man you just got divorced, explore that "friendship" a bit. I always say, things happen for a reason, and perhaps this is another case of cause and effect. Just DO NOT let yourself get too emotionally attached too soon. It is a friendship now, even if she visits for new years, keep it a friendship, or a friendship with benefits, but dont just jump into another serious relationship.

guy321

What I would be concerned about if it were me is..

Am I putting on rose colored glasses to make myself fell better?

What happens if this doesn't work, will I feel worse off than I do now?

It's one thing for a LD relatinship not to work.. It's another for them not to work when you're already having problems...


Whatever you decide to do, you probably already know the answer!

SsseeYa

Very true words, and I can acknowledge that I can observe much of that in me as well. That's why I am wondering if I can take this initial stage in a relationship however. The really tricky part to this is its not a 'beginning' relationship since we had known each other. But on the flip side we all know that chemistry is something that will only be known for sure in person and as such why I can't say much for sure without at least having one real date.

Oh, and Guy, thank you SOOOO much for pointing out my sig. I probably need to go check a lot of places. :p I assure you though, that what was in the sig in no way conveys the truth I know now...

hotpot

Man, online gaming is where people chat up models nowadays?

guy321

You're missing out!!

http://www.rx8club.com/showpost.php?...&postcount=870

SsseeYa

True, very very true... But at the same time I keep telling myself that you never know anything unless you try. Where would mankind be if not for his ability to dream and act on them. Sure we fail and fall many times, but for the one time that we actually succeed, is it not worth it?

You are right also, in that if something starts to develop and then all the sudden blows up in my face, that it would make life extremely complicated and strike a blow to a heart that has already taken it on the chin. But at the same time I have to believe in myself and in the possibilities or for me it would be a truly hopeless existance.

In spite of this, do you still think that a first meeting is an insane idea? You are the one that rings the loudest on the against side so I am trying to pay special heed to your words as you are the perspective that I can't seem to give myself. You are right though, that in reality I will go through with it at this point, however what I learn from the advice here very well may keep me in control of emotions to protect or guide me whatever way things may turn out.

guy321

I'd meet her.. just be reasonable, and in the state you're in its VERY easy to be unreasonable..

If I hear you moved to PR next week i'm coming to kick your *** tho!