I just want some opinions on what I should do. If you remember, I was the one asking you guys about love. I still believe that I love this guy, but I am not sure that we can get past some of the issues that we are dealing with.

Ok, here is the situation. He was cheated on...walked in on his wife with another man. The marraige was originally just for the money (he was in the Marines) and it was to one of his good friends. They did not even live together for the first year. After the first year they decided that they were legally married...maybe they should act like it. This was all three years ago. So, now that I have given you the background...here is what happened with me.

He is going to visit my college town for a week next week. I offered to come down to visit, but did not want to invite myself to stay with him at the son of his boss' house. SO...I told him I would stay with my old roommate. There is a story there also. My roommate and I dated after I moved out, but it did not last long. We were best friends when we lived together and I guess we both just needed to know that there was not something else there. Well, we broke up the end of July...and he asked me if I would give him a second chance in December when the current boyfriend and I started dating. I of course said "no." My boyfriend now knows this and he freaked out when I said that I would stay there. Keep in mind that I think nothing of this other guy (old roommate) and would not have mentioned it if I had thought about it from a jealous boyfriend/girlfriend point of view.

Well, to make a really long story short...I apologized for hurting his feelings. This was a genuine apology...I promise, because I felt really bad for it. I was told I did not apologize for the right thing and then after a long night with friends and him being VERY standoffish and getting drunk...I was told that this was "all my fault." So, I left. I called him the next day to talk after I had cooled off and that leads to where we are.

He is now trying to figure out whether he can get over what I said and we can continue to date...or whether he should walk away. I am so frustrated because I know that it really has nothing to do with me (it is all about his ex and their lack of closure on the situation), but yet he is willing to throw it all away with me because of that. I also don't know that I can go back to him knowing that this could happen again and again since he has not dealt with it.

What do you guys think about this? PLEASE give input.

The simple fact that he maired for money,even if it was a good friend, says it all, its bye bye time. This guy seems to have issues from being cheated on sounds like damaged goods. But on the flip side I would not be crazy about a Gf staying with an ex

you suggested you stay with an ex-roommate and your boyfriend got upset about that. you told him you were sorry and he can't get over it. now granted he had a rough experience with his ex and now he may be connecting this with your suggestion. i think you need to explain to him what your situation is with your ex-roommate as in there is no situation and your current boyfriend is the only one you care about. tell him the only reason you suggested it is because you want to be with him this weekend. explain to him that maybe you made a misjudgement in that you didn't think he would get upset. suggest to him that you stay at a hotel instead. he's overly sensitive about this kind of thing and you have to treat him and the situation with kid gloves. it's all you can do. i sense this is going to happen again with him.

you suggested you stay with an ex-roommate and your boyfriend got upset about that. you told him you were sorry and he can't get over it. now granted he had a rough experience with his ex and now he may be connecting this with your suggestion. i think you need to explain to him what your situation is with your ex-roommate as in there is no situation and your current boyfriend is the only one you care about. tell him the only reason you suggested it is because you want to be with him this weekend. explain to him that maybe you made a misjudgement in that you didn't think he would get upset. suggest to him that you stay at a hotel instead. he's overly sensitive about this kind of thing and you have to treat him and the situation with kid gloves. it's all you can do.

Been there...done all of this. Except suggest that I stay at a hotel because I just can't afford that right now.

What did he think you should have apologized for?

To be honest - knowing your boyfriend's past marriage problem, I think suggesting that you'd go stay overnight with a former lover was a real bad plan. You obviously know that it was in the past and nothing would happen now, but it's still real bad form, and not knowing anything more than you wrote, I'd guarantee that it would freak your boyfriend out.

Regards,
Gordon

I haven't had your boyfriend's unfortunate experience, but I would have freaked out anyway at your suggestion.

I haven't had your boyfriend's unfortunate experience, but I would have freaked out anyway at your suggestion.

Evidently I apologized wrong. I said I would never say anything like that again. He wanted me to say that it would never cross my mind or something to that effect. Although when asked exactly what hurt so bad about what I said...he could not answer. He doesn't even know why he is mad.

Hotpot...even after I apologized?...and the fact that I could care less (as far as dating) about this other guy and he knows that because this is the first time that I have even mentioned his name other than at the beginning of the relationship when I told my BF that I had to call the old roommate to set him straight?

Evidently I apologized wrong. I said I would never say anything like that again. He wanted me to say that it would never cross my mind or something to that effect. Although when asked exactly what hurt so bad about what I said...he could not answer. He doesn't even know why he is mad.

That's kinda wierd, he sounds like a woman, no offence :p
I don't know, this is a sketchy little situation, from what I have read he seems really defensive so as not to get hurt.

Ahh...I will add a bit. We met at church and he dated another of the girls from church. She was pregnant with her third child (two from one daddy and a divorce and the third from a different daddy). He didn't know she was pregnant at first, so after he found out...dating for them went downhill. HE STILL KEEPS IN CONTACT WITH HER. They talk at least one day a week, sometimes more. He has bumped into her at lunch, they still text back and forth, and he wants to go visit her in the hospital (by himself) when she has the baby. So, how can he blow up on me about what I said after all that he does?

ouch tough situation

he sounds like hes a jealous type with definite appropriatenenss, he has been cheated on. We all say things without thinking, but in his shoes after hearing this he thinks like a guy and he knows your exroomate wanted to get back with you in december, even though you know that you are over your ex, he's thinking your ex probably is looking at this trip as an opportunity. Especially since your ex was wanting to get backtogether last month and you tell him that you are coming down and will stay with him and not with your boyfriend, all kinds of thoughts come to your ex's mind (thats just how guys work, we're stupid like that). Your boyfriend is afraid of this...obviously you love your current boyfriend but most guys would freak out if their girlfriends say they will be staying with an ex during a trip, i know i would. At this point i think one way to mend the situation is to stay with your boyfriend at his boss's son's house. But if he can't get over himself and allow himself to trust in your fidelity then unfortunately i dont think a long term thing can work out here as sad as it sounds, because similar issues are going to come up in the future, part of a loving relationship is believing that the other trusts you completely. But i don't think its that dire quite yet, you just had a fight, it may be that he hasnt had enough time to build up trust with you yet, and really didnt like the sound of your suggestion.


you need to talk to him and you need to talk about trust and how he feels in that regard to you. Thats when you need to decide, not before...i hope it works out, because i remember you saying that you really feel a special connection with this guy, id hate to see him break your heart.

He's a hypocrite. Point that out to him.

If he doesn't like it or acts like a dick, then that shows you how he'd react in future discussions. If he can't reason through something like this, how's he going to be raising a child, etc etc. Point that out to him as well.

if you're not happy or have any doubts, bail now, don't prolong the agony, there are plenty of mentally stable, nice dudes out there that would love to show a girl how she should be treated, that's not optimism, that's a fact.

Yeah I think what you did would make most guys do a double take. I mean I don't think any guy would be comfortable with their girlfriend crashing at their ex's place when the ex in question is single AND interested.

Add in his previous trauma and I wouldn't be surprised if he acted that way. Now on the other hand if he can't get over it after a while with you giving him a true apology, I dunno about staying in that relationship. I mean being angry for a few days over something like that is one thing. But it shouldn't be a lasting thing unless he felt you really weren't understanding.

If it makes you feel any better, he may be on a message board right now asking other guys what the heck HE is thinking! I would have to say to put pressure on him. I guess they always say "$hit or get off the pot".

I have to agree with Canary, there are plenty of nice guys out there. And after meeting you, it shouldn't be a big problem for you.

No, I would've have freaked out when you suggested sleeping over at your ex's place. He is probably just very insecure, knowing that the ex had suggested you get back together.

I'm with Feras on this. If your boyfriend has so much trouble getting over this, then I don't see you being together in 10 years time. Unless he can change, coz I don't think you're the problem here.


Hotpot...even after I apologized?...and the fact that I could care less (as far as dating) about this other guy and he knows that because this is the first time that I have even mentioned his name other than at the beginning of the relationship when I told my BF that I had to call the old roommate to set him straight?

aggie... I'm sorry to say this but your future with him does not look good

when dealing with somebody who experienced what he did they are very touchy and sensitive about the "cheating" issue

what hes thinking is... "why would she suggest such a thing if she doesnt have intention of cheating... I may have stopped her now but she'll probably try again.... I better think about getting out of dodge"

uphill battle, this is

Ahh...I will add a bit. We met at church and he dated another of the girls from church. She was pregnant with her third child (two from one daddy and a divorce and the third from a different daddy). He didn't know she was pregnant at first, so after he found out...dating for them went downhill. HE STILL KEEPS IN CONTACT WITH HER. They talk at least one day a week, sometimes more. He has bumped into her at lunch, they still text back and forth, and he wants to go visit her in the hospital (by himself) when she has the baby. So, how can he blow up on me about what I said after all that he does?
Get out... and NOW (that would be my opinion). Of course it is your decision and you should be seriously thinking about whether you want to continue on with this fellow. No better time to figure that out than the present... these are all signs that require you to evaluate your situation. Good luck...

Tiff after getting more info fromyou one him I stand doubly tall by my first call, he has problems, damaged goods, issues of turst, call it what you will but this is a good sign that things are not going to be happy happy joy joy so to speak,I have had friends deal with people like this in the past it has never ended good.Fore your sake i hope this time its diffrent but i can't believe that, consider saying yoru self some heart acke get out and get out now.

I just want some opinions on what I should do. If you remember, I was the one asking you guys about love. I still believe that I love this guy, but I am not sure that we can get past some of the issues that we are dealing with.

Ok, here is the situation. He was cheated on...walked in on his wife with another man. The marraige was originally just for the money (he was in the Marines) and it was to one of his good friends. They did not even live together for the first year. After the first year they decided that they were legally married...maybe they should act like it. This was all three years ago. So, now that I have given you the background...here is what happened with me.

He is going to visit my college town for a week next week. I offered to come down to visit, but did not want to invite myself to stay with him at the son of his boss' house. SO...I told him I would stay with my old roommate. There is a story there also. My roommate and I dated after I moved out, but it did not last long. We were best friends when we lived together and I guess we both just needed to know that there was not something else there. Well, we broke up the end of July...and he asked me if I would give him a second chance in December when the current boyfriend and I started dating. I of course said "no." My boyfriend now knows this and he freaked out when I said that I would stay there. Keep in mind that I think nothing of this other guy (old roommate) and would not have mentioned it if I had thought about it from a jealous boyfriend/girlfriend point of view.

Well, to make a really long story short...I apologized for hurting his feelings. This was a genuine apology...I promise, because I felt really bad for it. I was told I did not apologize for the right thing and then after a long night with friends and him being VERY standoffish and getting drunk...I was told that this was "all my fault." So, I left. I called him the next day to talk after I had cooled off and that leads to where we are.

He is now trying to figure out whether he can get over what I said and we can continue to date...or whether he should walk away. I am so frustrated because I know that it really has nothing to do with me (it is all about his ex and their lack of closure on the situation), but yet he is willing to throw it all away with me because of that. I also don't know that I can go back to him knowing that this could happen again and again since he has not dealt with it.

What do you guys think about this? PLEASE give input.


This guy needs to grow-up! He gets married for all the wrong reasons then he places the baggage from that failed relationship on you....so what makes you think he will be any different in the future?

If it makes you feel any better, he may be on a message board right now asking other guys what the heck HE is thinking! I would have to say to put pressure on him. I guess they always say "$hit or get off the pot".

I have to agree with Canary, there are plenty of nice guys out there. And after meeting you, it shouldn't be a big problem for you.

Thanks Slim...that was really sweet.

This guy needs to grow-up! He gets married for all the wrong reasons then he places the baggage from that failed relationship on you....so what makes you think he will be any different in the future?

He tries so hard to be a tough guy, but man he is so sensitive...which is what got us into this whole predicament in the first place. He never dealt with the past because he didn't know how to. He has not had ANY serious relationships other than me so I am the first person that he has ever HAD to deal with these issues with. I had no idea that there was so much left over from his past relationship or I would have been MUCH more careful about what I suggested. Most guys who knew the situation would not have reacted quite the same. Even his friend (who is also a good friend of mine) told him that she had met my old roommate and that there was no need for him to even go there in his mind. Old roommate is probably one of the most considerate guys that I have ever met when it comes to other guys/girls feelings. He would have left for the weekend without me asking him, just so that my BF would be ok with me staying there.

He tries so hard to be a tough guy, but man he is so sensitive...which is what got us into this whole predicament in the first place. He never dealt with the past because he didn't know how to. He has not had ANY serious relationships other than me so I am the first person that he has ever HAD to deal with these issues with. I had no idea that there was so much left over from his past relationship or I would have been MUCH more careful about what I suggested. Most guys who knew the situation would not have reacted quite the same. Even his friend (who is also a good friend of mine) told him that she had met my old roommate and that there was no need for him to even go there in his mind. Old roommate is probably one of the most considerate guys that I have ever met when it comes to other guys/girls feelings. He would have left for the weekend without me asking him, just so that my BF would be ok with me staying there.


sounds like to me that you really know the answer your original question...sometimes its takes courage to listen to yourself.

Anybody in the D/FW area want a date with a soon to be single, cute (I think), fun woman. I am looking for a sensitive, not jealous, not overbearing, soft tempered, good-looking (yes, this matters...even though my version of looks is different from other girls), somewhere around my age, taller than me, romantic (because if you are...I will be too), somewhat clingy, very affectionate (meaning you like to touch...ALOT), fun (can act your age or just be stupid sometimes), mature, and HONEST (with his emotions more than anything) guy. Cause it looks like I will soon be up for grabs and guys I am told I am quite a catch (just kidding...had to add some stupid line to make it sound like a newspaper ad).

Anybody in the D/FW area want a date with a soon to be single, cute (I think), fun woman. I am looking for a sensitive, not jealous, not overbearing, soft tempered, good-looking (yes, this matters...even though my version of looks is different from other girls), somewhere around my age, taller than me, romantic (because if you are...I will be too), somewhat clingy, very affectionate (meaning you like to touch...ALOT), fun (can act your age or just be stupid sometimes), mature, and HONEST (with his emotions more than anything) guy. Cause it looks like I will soon be up for grabs and guys I am told I am quite a catch (just kidding...had to add some stupid line to make it sound like a newspaper ad).
And wow... I'm surprised the hounds have not jumped all over this one... ;)

Give it time, they will come a knockin'...

Ahh...I will add a bit. We met at church and he dated another of the girls from church. She was pregnant with her third child (two from one daddy and a divorce and the third from a different daddy). He didn't know she was pregnant at first, so after he found out...dating for them went downhill. HE STILL KEEPS IN CONTACT WITH HER. They talk at least one day a week, sometimes more. He has bumped into her at lunch, they still text back and forth, and he wants to go visit her in the hospital (by himself) when she has the baby. So, how can he blow up on me about what I said after all that he does?

I agree with rotten42. I think you know your answer but need to listen to that inner voice. Personally, a double standard like this (it's okay for him to stay in contact with an ex-girlfriend, yet he blows up over your ex) indicates to me he doesn't trust you. Relationships are all about trust and communication. If you don't have those, you have nothing that will last.

I would hope the two of you could talk this out and agree you have things to work on. If he isn't receptive to that, and if he cannot see his double standard, then get out. You deserve much better than that.