Some of you may recall my last thread involving this story. Last new years, one of my girl/friends got trashed and told me she loved me. She is #5 in four years to develop major feelings for me. I have a fiance, and have been with said fiance for the last 4.5 years. I am 21. I live with my fiance in Cleveland. All of the stuff that we own is pretty much hers. Here is the kicker, I don't know if I want to be with her any more. After being with one person for so long, I feel as though I am limiting myself in a major way. I do not know how to get out of this situation though. I have no where to move to if we split up, and I just started back to college full time for the first time in 1.5 years. This means that I wan to stay in Cleveland long enough to get my associates. This summer, I am going to go live with my dad in South Padre, Texas, because we haven't spent any time together in about 2 years. Any suggestion? I'm desperate for advice and I just came to these conclusions today so my head feels like it is going to explode.
Thanks in advance,
Cookie

bud you need to ask yourself whether or not you're just wondering whether the grass is greener on the other side. Not even a few days ago you were saying how much you loved your fiance and how you did not even see yourself able to go out with this 'friend' of yours. You need to look deep within yourself, if you love your fiance forget about all the outside distractions, you're happy. If not its going to be hard but you should part. You need to ask yourself whether you love her or not.

Erm, I wouldn't do anyting with said friend. My fiance came in from being out of town for three weeks, and I was actually DISAPPOINTED. I am going to give it a while before I make any decisions. I'm doing the whole soul searching thing, and I am talking to a friend who knows both of us really well. I just thought I would get some impartial advice while I am at it. Thanks. :D

Sounds to me like you have been with her long enough to have gotten used to her enough that the excitement level is next to null. A lot of marriages end up the same way, hot and fiery in the first year and then a steady decrease in animal attraction. I am sure that you do love her, but now you MUSt wonder if the grass really is greener on the other side, or ANY other side, and wether or not staying with her is going to keep you from achieving the goals that you have set, i.e. school and moveing back to texas.
If you know that you love her, keep her, but not at the expense of getting held back from doing what you need and want to do, and holding it against her later.

All right Ricecookie, here's the best advice I can give you since I broke off a 6 year relationship only 1 year ago. (I'm only 24). Do it. Stay on good terms. You need to find out what you really want before you can commit and you can't do that while in a relationship. Now I'm not saying go out and sleep or date with every girl you can find, but knowing what you "had" helps out with knowing what you "want." I thought I knew what I wanted, but I ended the relationship, I am completely happy, and I know EXACTLY what I want, and even more importantly, what I don't want.

I too had practically nothing to my name. I took a chance, found a room mate and took the plunge. Best thing I've ever done. Material things will come with time. If you were disappointed like you say, then I only see benefits from this.

(please no hating, just my experience and my opinion)

Dude we need to talk!

Dude we need to talk!
Probably. :(

All right Ricecookie, here's the best advice I can give you since I broke off a 6 year relationship only 1 year ago. (I'm only 24). Do it. Stay on good terms. You need to find out what you really want before you can commit and you can't do that while in a relationship. Now I'm not saying go out and sleep or date with every girl you can find, but knowing what you "had" helps out with knowing what you "want." I thought I knew what I wanted, but I ended the relationship, I am completely happy, and I know EXACTLY what I want, and even more importantly, what I don't want.

I too had practically nothing to my name. I took a chance, found a room mate and took the plunge. Best thing I've ever done. Material things will come with time. If you were disappointed like you say, then I only see benefits from this.

(please no hating, just my experience and my opinion)

Thats more or less the way that I feel. I think. The worst part about this whole thing is that my fiance keeps telling me how much more she is in love with me, and that she wants to get married SOON! eep! :eek:

Probably. :(
I had to change my AIM name because I canceled AOL so my new AIM is RX8Wildone

We just switched ISPs and our new one has yet to kick in, so its gonna be a while before you see me on AIM. unless of course I am over at a friends house sleeping on the couch. :rolleyes: (I am currently at said friends place of employment helping him with some PC trouble)

whatever happens hope it makes you happy man. just do what your heart tells you and you can't go wrong. who knows, if you do decide to split up, and you two are meant to be, then you will get back together. no matter what happens though, i, as well as all the other members here, hope you can be happy. Good luck boss.

You are young and not married yet so it's OK to feel that way, but I'll tell you this...

You need to figure out how you feel for real. It's easy for people to say they love someone, but to mean it is a whole other thing. Do you really, REALLY, love her...if you do not then break it off so you don't hurt her any more than you have to.

It's OK to be confused but it seems that you are thinking a little selfishly. Is she limiting you? Heck...are you limiting her? I just think that if she heard you say that it would really hurt her and I don't know if you really love her if you are thinking those things.

Again, your young and it's OK not to know what you want (heck I'm still young too (27) and I don't know "everything" I want yet either) but if she has been good to you, loves you, is honest with ya, etc...then keep her (IF YOU LOVE HER) if not, talk to her and let her know how you feel because the more time passes the more pain will be felt.

Just don't do the grass is greener thing, cause most of the time it aint and when you come back (if you do) she might not be around. No one deserves to be 2nd choice...so treat her good and talk to her about it, it might hurt but it will hurt less.

Note: Go easy with it and be careful with your words

Last thing, not to judge and I could be wrong, but I think you are thinking (hey, I'm going to College and there are alot of good looking women there that I could...um well)

Again, I could be completely wrong but I just got the feeling from what you wrote. Good luck with your decisions and make sure you think (NOT FEEL) your way through.

Thanks for all the advice yall. So I have decided that I want to break things off with her. This has been months in coming, it just took me 2 days f really hard thinking to realize it. So on that note, who here has successfully ended a 4.5 years relationship and survived? How? Also, anyone in Cleveland need a roomate? :D On another note, with the decision made I feel a LOT better.

Sounds like the right decision. You shouldn't have serious doubts at that stage in the relationship if it is 'meant to be'. Just think how you would feel after she popped out a couple of kids and gained 30 pounds.

Good luck, and stay away from the testicle thread!

Ricecookie, since Wildone called you dude, I presume you are male. Therefore, you want to do the right thing? If you are not in love, break it off and deal with the consequences like an adult (you are 21!). There will be many more painful experiences in your life ahead of you. Take your lumps and your medicine! Plan your goals and nail them down. If you have nothing, make yourself more responsible and become a better planner/saver. Its never too late to make changes. No woman wants a weak man who has nothing and has no confidence or accomplishements. Always make changes to better yourself and help those around you.

You will also be giving her room and time to get her life in order as well. Date lots of girls but don't jump into relationships you know will not last. Just don't drag any relationship long if you are not there for the long haul. One thing you should really understand is that people never change. Period. The fairy tale version is people think other will change, but the changes never last. So if you meet someone and you think you could have a good time together but she's not the one you want to be with forever, then make sure you both have a good time together and then move on after a coupe of weeks. Don't waste her time and yours unless she wants to waste her time knowing full well you will not be there in the end. If you meet someone that you want to discover more and more because there is that natural attraction physically and intellectually, then invest time in that relationship and let her know accordingly. But as soon as you see that major changes will be required to maintain the relationship, end it because you are only fooling yourself that the changes will last forever. You will knwo when you found the right one because you both jive and understand each other and can easily deal with each others faults/shortcomings. We all have them!.

One chief and one indian=Harmony

2 chiefs and no indians= Eventual war!

Thanks for all the advice yall. So I have decided that I want to break things off with her. This has been months in coming, it just took me 2 days f really hard thinking to realize it. So on that note, who here has successfully ended a 4.5 years relationship and survived? How? Also, anyone in Cleveland need a roomate? :D On another note, with the decision made I feel a LOT better.

Sorry to hear about your situation Rice, I'd like to help you out with your living arrangements but I dont pay the mortgage, my brother does so I wouldn't have a say in it :( . Do you go to tri-c? I go to the west campus, its the best campus IMO. Anyways I hope you get through your rough situation in ease ;) .

Sorry to hear about your situation Rice, I'd like to help you out with your living arrangements but I dont pay the mortgage, my brother does so I wouldn't have a say in it :( . Do you go to tri-c? I go to the west campus, its the best campus IMO. Anyways I hope you get through your rough situation in ease ;) .

Thanks for the support. I go to the East and Metro campus. Let me tell you, night class at Metro is NOT a fun thing.

i heard a preacher talking about marriage and why many fail. it made sense to me and i have remembered it because it speaks true. ask yourself, where is the focus of your relationship? are you in it to see what she can do for you? or what you can do for her?

it seems simple at first but it makes a lot of sense. if you are in it for personal gain then yes. of course it is going to fail. we all want but noone gives so we keep searching for the one that will. true love in unconditional and selfless. just think about it. who are you in this relationship for?

also, who is she in the relationship for? love has to go both ways. one sided relationships don't work too well. be mindful of your wandering eyes. women can get jelious and do dumb things sometimes like saying they love you when they are drinking on new years eve.

do things to make her happy. you will be suprised how good you feel when you make her feel good. buy her flowers for no reason. do the dishes without being asked. be selfless not selfish.

you started too young

If you've been with your fiance for 4.5 years, living together, and you still haven't gotten married, then you're better off ending it. Typically it means that after being together this long, deep down you have no real intentions to commit. Living together is like getting the milk for free basically. Guys get a free hand out without having to make anything official. Which in turn makes it easier for him to break it off (officially and unoffically) in the future if he gets "bored" of her.

So do yourselves a favor and end it now instead of dragging it out even longer, thus enabling her to get even more attached to you. No point in being with someone you have no intentions to commit to, that's just selfish.

^^EXACTLY ^^

been there - and DONE that

Some of you may recall my last thread involving this story. Last new years, one of my girl/friends got trashed and told me she loved me. She is #5 in four years to develop major feelings for me. I have a fiance, and have been with said fiance for the last 4.5 years. I am 21. I live with my fiance in Cleveland. All of the stuff that we own is pretty much hers. Here is the kicker, I don't know if I want to be with her any more. After being with one person for so long, I feel as though I am limiting myself in a major way. I do not know how to get out of this situation though. I have no where to move to if we split up, and I just started back to college full time for the first time in 1.5 years. This means that I wan to stay in Cleveland long enough to get my associates. This summer, I am going to go live with my dad in South Padre, Texas, because we haven't spent any time together in about 2 years. Any suggestion? I'm desperate for advice and I just came to these conclusions today so my head feels like it is going to explode.
Thanks in advance,
Cookie



Of course you don't know what you want....you're 21. What is important to you at 21 can be very different from what you want when you are 26. I've had three friends get married beofre they were 22. Two are divorced, one is still married. The thing that both friends told me is that they had wished they had waited longer before getting married. There is just too much of a world out there to get tied down at 21. They may not seem like it to you now but that age is really a care free age compared to after you settle down into a family, kids and a career. Take the time to live life and use those experiences to develop who you are.

That fact that you are questioning yourself tells me that you aren't ready....when you truely know that this women is the one, you won't be asking these questions.....and you probably have a better chance that you will stay married once you do.


My god, you're only 3-4 years out of high school and you want settle down. Youv'e been with the same girl since you were in high school..........don't you want to explore what's out there. personaly I think a person needs to spend sometime alone in their twnties to find out who they are without a partner defining that.


go out and experience life for a while before you take such an important step like marriage....you don't want to be looking back years from now thinking, "What if?"

Rotten's response is a great one! learn from it.

Thanks for all the advice yall. So I have decided that I want to break things off with her. This has been months in coming, it just took me 2 days f really hard thinking to realize it. So on that note, who here has successfully ended a 4.5 years relationship and survived? How? Also, anyone in Cleveland need a roomate? :D On another note, with the decision made I feel a LOT better.

I was seeing someone for about 7 years. We decided to get married and I finally realized that while I did love her, marriage was not right for us. Took a lot of soul searching too. As far as survival it's usually harder when the other person calls it off. It was the relationship after this one that ripped my heart out :rolleyes:

You are young!! I didn't get married until I was 32. Give yourself time to know what you want. It's worth it to find the right person (and the right person inside of yourself).

So its officially over now. I didn't think that it would happen anywhere near this soon. So how long should I expect to feel like crap? Is there a formula? 4.5 years = x many months of being not happy?

So its officially over now. I didn't think that it would happen anywhere near this soon. So how long should I expect to feel like crap? Is there a formula? 4.5 years = x many months of being not happy?

If you had any love for her, then you can expect to always feel like crap when it comes to your enventual end. Find comfort in the fact that you can now devote your time to finding "yourself" and not be tied down when the "right one" comes along. 4.5 years is a long time, you will always have feelings underneath it all.