View Full Version : Slither slither slither slither went the tongue


241Commuter
12-14-2004, 02:13 AM
U.S. author Wolfe wins bad sex award

Mon Dec 13, 7:21 PM ET

By Gideon Long

LONDON (Reuters) - American author and journalist Tom Wolfe has won one of the world's most dreaded literary accolades -- the British prize for bad sex in fiction. The prize is awarded each year "to draw attention to the crude, tasteless, often perfunctory use of redundant passages of sexual description in the modern novel". Wolfe won it for a couple of purple passages from his latest novel "I am Charlotte Simmons", a tale of campus life at an exclusive U.S. university.

"Slither slither slither slither went the tongue," one of his winning sentences begins. "But the hand that was what she tried to concentrate on, the hand, since it has the entire terrain of her torso to explore and not just the otorhinolaryngological caverns -- oh God, it was not just at the border where the flesh of the breast joins the pectoral sheath of the chest -- no, the hand was cupping her entire right -- Now!"

Judges described Wolfe's prose as "ghastly and boring".

The former Washington Post correspondent, whose debut novel "Bonfire of the Vanities" was a defining text of the 1980s, fought off stiff competition from 10 other authors including South African Andre Brink, whose novel "Before I Forget" contains the following description of a woman's vulva:

"(It was) like a large exotic mushroom in the fork of a tree, a little pleasure dome if ever I've seen one, where Alph the sacred river ran down to a tideless sea. No, not tideless. Her tides were convulsive, an ebb and flow that could take you very far, far back, before hurling you out, wildly and triumphantly, on a ribbed and windswept beach without end."

Another writer who only narrowly escaped the prize was Britain's Nadeem Aslam for his novel "Maps for Lost Lovers" a tale of life in a Muslim community in an English town. "His mouth looked for the oiled berry," one of his raunchiest passages starts. "The smell of his armpits was on her shoulders -- a flower depositing pollen on a hummingbird's forehead," another reads.

The winner of the award, organised by the London-based Literary Review, is given an Oscar-style statuette and a bottle of champagne -- but only if he or she comes to the awards ceremony in person. Organisers said Wolfe, who is based in New York, was the first writer in the 12-year history of the competition to decline his invitation.

Aratinga
12-14-2004, 03:10 AM
Dang it Bernie -- I thought I was clicking on you telling another story about your Python.

Battousai
12-14-2004, 08:22 AM
LOL those are pretty bad, how did they ever finsh their respective books??? I would have been ROFLMAO after writing something like that :D

Meowloud
12-14-2004, 09:08 AM
I don't put all the blame on the authors.. I mean, a publisher ACTUALLY paid to print these!!! :eek: :p

guy321
12-14-2004, 09:12 AM
Anyone ever read the Jean Auel novels? Clan of the Cave bear, etc? All her books are like that..

apaul
12-14-2004, 09:55 AM
So much for "It was a dark and stormy night." :)

The 2004 winner of the Bulwer-Lytton childishly simple, wretched writing contest:

She resolved to end the love affair with Ramon tonight . . . summarily, like Martha Stewart ripping the sand vein out of a shrimp's tail . . . though the term "love affair" now struck her as a ridiculous euphemism . . . not unlike "sand vein," which is after all an intestine, not a vein . . . and that tarry substance inside certainly isn't sand . . . and that brought her back to Ramon.

Dave Zobel
Manhattan Beach, CA

More at http://www2.sjsu.edu/depts/english/2004.htm

Aratinga
12-14-2004, 10:06 AM
Or how about those Bad Hemingway contests? Those always make me laugh. Guess who this one is about?

The young intern flashed her thong at me, and it was good. And it was also bad because I thought about my wife in a thong and knew she would look like the jambon that hangs in the windows of the charcuteries along the Rue de Buci. It was a long time since I had cheated on my wife, maybe even many hours or many days.

"Meet me later," I said to the girl, "in the room that is not square and that is not round."

"You mean oval, Creep-o," she said in that spoiled and charming way the pretty rich girls from Beverly Hills have.

"Yes," I said, "The oval place. And if someone asks what you are doing there, you must say you are there to sharpen my pencil. A man needs a sharp pencil if he is to make up fine stories that are not true but are more manly and more convenient than truth."

"What-ev-errr... " she said.

The girl was plump and juicy and offered up pleasure like a plate full of raviolini at Harry's Bar when you haven't had money for awhile because the women and their lawyers were robbing you blind. Her dark hair gleamed richly like the fine dark wood paneling of the back room, where a man and a woman could be alone, and yet not alone in a way that someone could later testify about. And you knew that she would order a Bellini thinking that maybe her life was a Bret Easton Ellis story, which it had started out to be but was not anymore...

Feras
12-14-2004, 10:15 AM
Or how about those Bad Hemingway contests? Those always make me laugh. Guess who this one is about?

The young intern flashed her thong at me, and it was good. And it was also bad because I thought about my wife in a thong and knew she would look like the jambon that hangs in the windows of the charcuteries along the Rue de Buci. It was a long time since I had cheated on my wife, maybe even many hours or many days.

"Meet me later," I said to the girl, "in the room that is not square and that is not round."

"You mean oval, Creep-o," she said in that spoiled and charming way the pretty rich girls from Beverly Hills have.

"Yes," I said, "The oval place. And if someone asks what you are doing there, you must say you are there to sharpen my pencil. A man needs a sharp pencil if he is to make up fine stories that are not true but are more manly and more convenient than truth."

"What-ev-errr... " she said.

The girl was plump and juicy and offered up pleasure like a plate full of raviolini at Harry's Bar when you haven't had money for awhile because the women and their lawyers were robbing you blind. Her dark hair gleamed richly like the fine dark wood paneling of the back room, where a man and a woman could be alone, and yet not alone in a way that someone could later testify about. And you knew that she would order a Bellini thinking that maybe her life was a Bret Easton Ellis story, which it had started out to be but was not anymore...

i think i've shat better looking pieces of writing.

phee
12-14-2004, 11:20 AM
Or how about those Bad Hemingway contests? Those always make me laugh. Guess who this one is about?

The young intern flashed her thong at me, and it was good. And it was also bad because I thought about my wife in a thong and knew she would look like the jambon that hangs in the windows of the charcuteries along the Rue de Buci. It was a long time since I had cheated on my wife, maybe even many hours or many days.

"Meet me later," I said to the girl, "in the room that is not square and that is not round."

"You mean oval, Creep-o," she said in that spoiled and charming way the pretty rich girls from Beverly Hills have.

"Yes," I said, "The oval place. And if someone asks what you are doing there, you must say you are there to sharpen my pencil. A man needs a sharp pencil if he is to make up fine stories that are not true but are more manly and more convenient than truth."

"What-ev-errr... " she said.

The girl was plump and juicy and offered up pleasure like a plate full of raviolini at Harry's Bar when you haven't had money for awhile because the women and their lawyers were robbing you blind. Her dark hair gleamed richly like the fine dark wood paneling of the back room, where a man and a woman could be alone, and yet not alone in a way that someone could later testify about. And you knew that she would order a Bellini thinking that maybe her life was a Bret Easton Ellis story, which it had started out to be but was not anymore...

He did not have sex with that woman! I'll be he didn't inhale either.

phee
12-14-2004, 11:21 AM
He did not have sex with that woman! I'll be he didn't inhale either.

That would be "I'll beT he didn't inhale either."

I will now go write "I will preview my responses" 100 times.