A brief history lesson. Viva laFrance!

THE COMPLETE MILITARY HISTORY OF FRANCE


-- Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000
years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an
Italian.


-- Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female
schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French
Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a
Frenchman."


-- Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to
ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.


-- Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.


-- Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but
manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually
the other participants started ignoring her.


-- War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as
chapeaux.


-- The Dutch War - Tied.


-- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War -
Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded
Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French
military power.


-- War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French
their first taste of a Marlboro, which they have loved every since.


-- American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to
future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists
saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and
leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when
America does most of the fighting."


-- French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was
also French.


-- The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First
Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for
a British footwear designer.


-- The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk
Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.


-- World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the
United States and Britain. Thousands of French women find out what it's
like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her
"Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces
forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.


-- World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States
and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.


-- War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed
with the Dien Bien Flu.


-- Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western
army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the
First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule
is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans,
English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.


-- War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history,
surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender
to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.


Classic Quote:

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion." -- Donald Rumsfeld

As an ex-Brit (natural 'enemies' of the French) I must say this is the funniest thing I have read this year! I can honestly claim to be ROFLMAO.

um- that was an appalling attack on the french. you should be ashamed of yourself;)

http://www.mircscripts.org/screenshots/6094.jpg

*stifled laugh* as an Anglophonic Canadian, i have to condemn your attack on that nation, as racist and stupid... but some of it was clever (Dien Bien Flu...:))

in any case, this is hardly a complete history, and completely ignores France's huge presence in the continent of Africa...

haha french r *****.

*edit* Be cool and watch inflammatory remarks ,Tribal*
It's all good. :D

google image is shweet.

hmmm.....guys tell me whose soft Palestinians or Israelies?
remeber palestinians are suicide bombers and the Israel uses tanks,jets,guns,bombs and more.
we had a discussion in school about it.

Thanks, quicks8! Reading that was the high point of my day (yes, it was a pretty crappy one)! I hadn't heard the Rumsfeld quote - LMAO!

Originally posted by m477
http://www.mircscripts.org/screenshots/6094.jpg

Nice


Here's an example where France has succeeded. France is the leader of the Eurotrash movement. This ideology has infultrated Germany, Scandinavia, and some of Canada (growing at an alarming rate). Luckily we keep the Eurotrash at bay within the US.

They built us a cool statue, but that's about it.


"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion." -- Donald Rumsfeld

Good quote quicks8!

Originally posted by Digisan


Nice


Here's an example where France has succeeded. France is the leader of the Eurotrash movement. This ideology has infultrated Germany, Scandinavia, and some of Canada (growing at an alarming rate). Luckily we keep the Eurotrash at bay within the US.

They built us a cool statue, but that's about it.


"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion." -- Donald Rumsfeld

Good quote quicks8!

spoken like a true american

i had a dream...that one day, my children could grow up in a land where people could take jokes without mentioning palistinian/israeli crap or thing such as "spoken like a true american" which im not so sure is meant to be funny. oh yeah, almost forgot, that google thing is funny as hell.

Originally posted by jonny b
palistinian/israeli crap... "spoken like a true american" which im not so sure is meant to be funny.

sorry to step on toes, but the Palestinian/Isreali conflict isn't crap, and that crack about Americans speaking only as Americans can is just a freakin' joke... imagine how you'd feel if you were a Frenchperson, m'kay?? just relax bud...

Originally posted by Immi


spoken like a true american

I get the feeling you have been infiltrated...

There's another war that the French lost, the Vietnamese kicked them out during the mid 20th century!!!:D :o

Originally posted by wakeech


sorry to step on toes, but the Palestinian/Isreali conflict isn't crap, and that crack about Americans speaking only as Americans can is just a freakin' joke... imagine how you'd feel if you were a Frenchperson, m'kay?? just relax bud...



dude, haha, youre the one that needs to relax. im not actually saying the palestine/israel conflict is crap, im saying it has nothing to do with the joke. haha, you tell me to relax, and you get so defensive over nothing.

the funny thing is i am the relaxed one who took it as a joke. so what if i was french i still would have thought it funny. i laugh at any decent joke no matter who it's about.

Originally posted by khoney
Thanks, quicks8! Reading that was the high point of my day (yes, it was a pretty crappy one)! I hadn't heard the Rumsfeld quote - LMAO!


That's because it isn't. . .

Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. You just leave a lot of useless, noisy baggage behind.
-- Jed Babbin, former Deputy Undersecretary of Defense

Originally posted by Immi


spoken like a true american

hardly...americans don't concern themselves with world issues...they only think about themselves, remember? ;)

I'm not choosing sides either way (although it was kinda funny), but hasn't nearly every thread about some country turned into a Canada VS. US argument? Come on kiddies! It's a community here, were all a big happy (used lightly) Mazda family, lets all get along.

Strider-

Originally posted by quicks8
World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the
United States and Britain. Thousands of French women find out what it's
like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her
"Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces
forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

I didn't even know they had condoms back then.

As for french people being offended, my grandmother was from France and I think it was funny as hell IMHO.

I realize that ragging on the French is as much an American pastime as baseball and arming petty dictators for future demonization, but I will attempt to not follow the crowd and stick up for the French even though my grandmother's roommates' casual acqaintance was not French.

1. Funny how easy it is for Americans to talk about military might when flanked on both sides by an ocean.

2. Without the French there would be no US.

3. Best food there is.

4. This is an automotive site, so I must admit they make sucky cars.

Originally posted by dude
4. This is an automotive site, so I must admit they make sucky cars.
Hold on right there - I will defend the French on this one. The first car I paid for was a Peugeot GTi in 1988 - fantastic vehicle (way better than a Golf GTi in every single category except build quality). My parents owned a Citroen which was magnificent too. No other country except Italy makes more beautiful and interesting designs for 'regular' transport (as opposed to performance cars).

Yes funny , very incomplete and partial , but funny :)
Colin Powell's proofs were very funny too :D
But war is not a joke...:(

That's all i will say here...

PS: i am French and i like the seven and the new RX-8!

Originally posted by wakeech
*stifled laugh* as an Anglophonic Canadian, i have to condemn your attack on that nation, as racist and stupid... but some of it was clever (Dien Bien Flu...:))

in any case, this is hardly a complete history, and completely ignores France's huge presence in the continent of Africa...

The french aren't a race :)

not a race, but a cultural nation... so, okay the terminology was wrong, but it's still bad n'stuff... :p

Originally posted by wakeech
not a race, but a cultural nation... so, okay the terminology was wrong, but it's still bad n'stuff... :p

I'm not so sure about that. I know you are joking, but I wonder if you are in a phase of "knee-jerk" political correctness as we are in the U.S.? Here alot of people aren't even sure what is supposed to be wrong anymore. They avoid any possible conroversy just in case they will be labeled. Everything turns into a racial slur or makes you something-phobic. All it really ends up doing is making people acceptably beige and safe on the outside and you can't ever tell what they are really thinking. Frustrating sometimes.

Its the oppression of the majority! - De Tocqueville

well for me the deal is just blanket statements based on one trait of the person by which you categorize them...
in this case we're just saying the French have a shitty army, so who cares?? not me, not really...

but if someone were to say that French people should be exterminated because they are all ugly, stupid, smelly, are cultureless, and have poor taste in food they'd be certainly racist...
saying someone is "bad" because of a trait like race, religion, gender, age, sexual preferences, or the kind of food they like is just stupid and ignorant... that would be "*-ist"... i'm not going nuts and saying that we shouldn't poke fun at one another, but making serious broad political decisions which single out some "group" of people based on something like that certainly is...

i suppose it isn't be wrong to critisize a definable group for causing some real social problems, which sprout from some friction caused specifically by a trait of that group, ie problems in catholic preisthood... these problems are decades old in canada, with exactly the same things happening in residential schools for aboriginal children, and reports of abuses to alter servers and whatnot...
this is fine, as there's a real problem there caused specifically by the rules of the order, and the pressure which (at least) existed on gay catholic men (it may still prevail, i don't know) to just become selibate preists... growing up a catholic, i understand the reasoning behind all of the rules, but i really don't want to offer solutions as i'm uncomfortable telling others what to do (spiritually) as an athiest, this thread is far enough off topic, and this was just an example ;)

in short, i would say "hating" a definable group of people based purely on that single trait which allows them to be qualified as a member is wrong: founded criticism of problems within a definable group (ie: the country of France has a crap-ass military) is okay, and sometimes funny. ;)

Sorry I didn't want to start another thread given the fact that this one has been so popular, I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I had two threads stay at the top of the list for so long.

So here goes:

Q: How many frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?




A: I don't know it's never been tried.



:)

Have you heard about the version of the RX-8 that will be sold in France?

It only goes in Reverse.

no wonder they get the rear fog lights :D

Originally posted by quicks8
Sorry I didn't want to start another thread given the fact that this one has been so popular, I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I had two threads stay at the top of the list for so long.

So here goes:

Q: How many frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?




A: I don't know it's never been tried.



:)

hahahahahahahahhahaha!!!!!!!:D :D :D

Did ya like that "Reverse" one, that just came to me, it was close to an original, it was loosely base on:

Q: In WWII how did you distinguish the French tanks from the rest of the Allied forces?

A: Easy they were the only ones with backing lights.

Not quite the same joke and I think I should get a few points for originality given my adaptation to make it fit with the forum's theme.

:)