Vancouver
01-24-2003, 09:33 AM
Unanswered questions
David Menzies
National Post
Friday, January 24, 2003
The Hummer grille can leave oncoming motorists dazed and confused.
To paraphrase the Midas Muffler slogan: "I've got questions; you've got answers." At least, I hope you do. Without further ado, here are some vehicle-specific questions. Please, dear readers, enlighten me.
TO DODGE RAM TRUCK OWNERS While I'm certain the powers-that-be at DaimlerChrysler admire your devotion to their vehicles thanks to your accessorizing them to death, why do you insist on sticking those ludicrous Dodge Ram decals over your truck's tail lights? The ostensible reason for having tail lights is to make the rear of the vehicle visible to other drivers. This is something that is impeded by a couple of goat-head stickers occupying close to 50% of the tail-light surface, so what, pray tell, are you hoping to achieve?
TO ACURA 1.7EL OWNERS Visions of grandeur aside, you do realize you actually bought a rebadged, marked-up Honda Civic, right? And let me guess: You were the same people paying an extra $20 for a shirt back in the '70s just because it had a little alligator sewn on the pocket, right?
TO JEEP GRAND CHEROKEE OWNERS Why do so many of you drive without signalling lane changes or even left turns? It's not because you think you're driving your macho SUV at some Jeep Jamboree wilderness retreat where signalling isn't required or expected, is it?
TO VOLVO STATION WAGON OWNERS I'm sure liberating Tibet, putting an end to whaling and banning nuclear weapons are all very lofty and admirable goals, but could you please refrain from using your rear bumpers as roving billboards for these and other impossible-to-achieve social causes? Bonus question: Are you trying to make certain the rest of us read your propaganda by driving under the speed limit in the left lane? Do you think this strategy may have the opposite effect to what you are hoping to achieve and that people like me will become so mad we will actually want to nuke the whales?
TO OLDSMOBILE OWNERS With the demise of the brand mere months away, are you all going to get together on some bridge somewhere, hold hands and have a moment of silence at sunset or something? Bonus question: Will the bumpers of Volvo station wagons soon be featuring stickers advocating "Save the Oldsmobile," given that Volvo station wagon owners are so into lost causes?
TO HYUNDAI XG350 OWNERS You really want people to think you're driving a Lincoln LS when you zip past them really fast, don't you?
TO LINCOLN LS OWNERS You really want people to think you're driving a BMW 525i when you zip past them really fast, don't you?
TO BMW 525I OWNERS You really want people to think you're driving an M5 when you zip past them really fast, don't you?
TO MITSUBISHI OWNERS Do you plan on emulating those television ads featuring young people seemingly auditioning as life-sized Bobblehead dolls while driving in Mitsubishi automobiles? And, if so, do you realize you'll end up looking like imbeciles?
TO HONDA CIVIC SI OWNERS Yo-yo-yo! Wasss happenin'? Listen up: You know those baggy shorts you all is wearing and the sweatshirt with that rhino logo on it and the backward-facing, orange-coloured New York Yankees baseball cap? Well, that look is, like, so 1999, homey. So, ch-ch-ch-ch-check it out: Why you all still wearing this clown gear?
TO JEEP OWNERS Do you ever mistake your Jeeps for Hummers when you are in a parking lot, thanks to the grilles being so darn similar-looking? You think there might be grounds for a lawsuit here?
TO HUMMER H2 OWNERS Do you ever mistake your Hummers for Jeeps when you are in a parking lot on account of the grilles being so darn similar-looking? You think there might be grounds for a counter-suit here?
TO SATURN OWNERS WITH MALE GENITALIA Just what were you thinking?
TO FORD EXCURSION OWNERS Any regrets about buying your fat-bastard SUV now that premium fuel is approaching $1/litre?
TO LAND ROVER OWNERS What is the deal with all those aftermarket cowcatcher bars protruding from the grille? Going on safari to bag a lion, perhaps?
TO PRE-2003 PT CRUISER OWNERS Do you regret buying underpowered Cruisers now that the turbo-charged version is finally out?
TO BMW 745I OWNERS Figured out how to work the stereo yet? Or are you ready to call it a day and phone tech support (which, in this case, would be the rocket scientists employed by NASA)?
frenzy
David Menzies
National Post
Friday, January 24, 2003
The Hummer grille can leave oncoming motorists dazed and confused.
To paraphrase the Midas Muffler slogan: "I've got questions; you've got answers." At least, I hope you do. Without further ado, here are some vehicle-specific questions. Please, dear readers, enlighten me.
TO DODGE RAM TRUCK OWNERS While I'm certain the powers-that-be at DaimlerChrysler admire your devotion to their vehicles thanks to your accessorizing them to death, why do you insist on sticking those ludicrous Dodge Ram decals over your truck's tail lights? The ostensible reason for having tail lights is to make the rear of the vehicle visible to other drivers. This is something that is impeded by a couple of goat-head stickers occupying close to 50% of the tail-light surface, so what, pray tell, are you hoping to achieve?
TO ACURA 1.7EL OWNERS Visions of grandeur aside, you do realize you actually bought a rebadged, marked-up Honda Civic, right? And let me guess: You were the same people paying an extra $20 for a shirt back in the '70s just because it had a little alligator sewn on the pocket, right?
TO JEEP GRAND CHEROKEE OWNERS Why do so many of you drive without signalling lane changes or even left turns? It's not because you think you're driving your macho SUV at some Jeep Jamboree wilderness retreat where signalling isn't required or expected, is it?
TO VOLVO STATION WAGON OWNERS I'm sure liberating Tibet, putting an end to whaling and banning nuclear weapons are all very lofty and admirable goals, but could you please refrain from using your rear bumpers as roving billboards for these and other impossible-to-achieve social causes? Bonus question: Are you trying to make certain the rest of us read your propaganda by driving under the speed limit in the left lane? Do you think this strategy may have the opposite effect to what you are hoping to achieve and that people like me will become so mad we will actually want to nuke the whales?
TO OLDSMOBILE OWNERS With the demise of the brand mere months away, are you all going to get together on some bridge somewhere, hold hands and have a moment of silence at sunset or something? Bonus question: Will the bumpers of Volvo station wagons soon be featuring stickers advocating "Save the Oldsmobile," given that Volvo station wagon owners are so into lost causes?
TO HYUNDAI XG350 OWNERS You really want people to think you're driving a Lincoln LS when you zip past them really fast, don't you?
TO LINCOLN LS OWNERS You really want people to think you're driving a BMW 525i when you zip past them really fast, don't you?
TO BMW 525I OWNERS You really want people to think you're driving an M5 when you zip past them really fast, don't you?
TO MITSUBISHI OWNERS Do you plan on emulating those television ads featuring young people seemingly auditioning as life-sized Bobblehead dolls while driving in Mitsubishi automobiles? And, if so, do you realize you'll end up looking like imbeciles?
TO HONDA CIVIC SI OWNERS Yo-yo-yo! Wasss happenin'? Listen up: You know those baggy shorts you all is wearing and the sweatshirt with that rhino logo on it and the backward-facing, orange-coloured New York Yankees baseball cap? Well, that look is, like, so 1999, homey. So, ch-ch-ch-ch-check it out: Why you all still wearing this clown gear?
TO JEEP OWNERS Do you ever mistake your Jeeps for Hummers when you are in a parking lot, thanks to the grilles being so darn similar-looking? You think there might be grounds for a lawsuit here?
TO HUMMER H2 OWNERS Do you ever mistake your Hummers for Jeeps when you are in a parking lot on account of the grilles being so darn similar-looking? You think there might be grounds for a counter-suit here?
TO SATURN OWNERS WITH MALE GENITALIA Just what were you thinking?
TO FORD EXCURSION OWNERS Any regrets about buying your fat-bastard SUV now that premium fuel is approaching $1/litre?
TO LAND ROVER OWNERS What is the deal with all those aftermarket cowcatcher bars protruding from the grille? Going on safari to bag a lion, perhaps?
TO PRE-2003 PT CRUISER OWNERS Do you regret buying underpowered Cruisers now that the turbo-charged version is finally out?
TO BMW 745I OWNERS Figured out how to work the stereo yet? Or are you ready to call it a day and phone tech support (which, in this case, would be the rocket scientists employed by NASA)?
frenzy