Rolex & Timex

A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"Hellooooo," answered the blonde . "They're watch dogs!"

AUTO REPAIR
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

So a mushroom walks into a bar...

Michael Jackson was walking around in the beach, then he stands infront of this woman. The woman says "Excuse me sir, you're in my son"

^^^^
represent.
that was comedic gold.

"I was sitting at a restaurant one time talking to my friend about procrastination when the waitress comes up to us and says, 'You know, I have a problem with procrastination too!'"

So I said, "Really? Get my sandwich!"

HERES A FUNNY JOKE

HOW DO YOU POKE PIKACHU ON THE BUS?



POK EM ON. HAHA U GET IT LOL


ANOTHER ONE
WHAT DOES MICHEAL JACKSON SERVE TO KIDS AFTER DINNER?


AFTER EIGHT. YOU GET IT THE, CHOCOLATE LOL

Originally posted by TMK
HERES A FUNNY JOKE

HOW DO YOU POKE PIKACHU ON THE BUS?



POK EM ON. HAHA U GET IT LOL


ANOTHER ONE
WHAT DOES MICHEAL JACKSON SERVE TO KIDS AFTER DINNER?


AFTER EIGHT. YOU GET IT THE, CHOCOLATE LOL


holy god those were above and beyond the WORST jokes i've ever read.

ps. turn your caps off

how can you tell it's bedtime at Micheal Jackson's house?

when the big hand touches the little hand

There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone", so named
because he had only one testicle.

He hated that name and asked everyone to not to call him Onestone!

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,
"If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a
young girl named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone..."

He jumped up, grabbed her, and took her deep into the forest where he
made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next
day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant serious business.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman
named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw
Onestone.

She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone..."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he screwed her
all day, screwed her all night, screwed her all the next day, screwed
her all the next night...but, Yellow Bird wouldn't die!!!!

What is the moral of this story???


Come on..........take a guess!



Think about it................




Okay, okay, scroll down........






You're going to love this!




Here it comes............................






And the moral is........................





You can't kill two birds with one stone!

A midget walks into a bar and kisses everyone in the joint.

****
When Michael jacksons son was born Michael visited the mother at the hospital and asked the doctor "how long before we can have sex?" The doctor replied, "You should wait until he can walk"

***

What do lesbians use or lube? Tartar sauce

***

What happens when a blonde moves from any other state to California? The intelligence level of both states rise.

***

Customer walks into a bank and runs up to the teller.

customer: Deposit my money bitch
teller: this bank doesn't tolerate tellers being mistreated I will not serve you.

Manager: what is the problem?
Tellerl: this man called me a bitch.
Manager; sorry sir, we dont tolerate tellers being mistreated
Customer: Well I just won 50 *#&*ing million dollars. I'd like to take my *#&*ing money and deposit it in your *#&*ing bank.

Manager: And this bitch wont let you?

Two beggars were sitting side by side on a street in Mexico City.
One had a cross in front of him, the other had the Star of David.

Many people went by and looked at both beggars, but only put money into
the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest came by, stopped and watched throngs of people giving money to
the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star
of David.

Finally the priest went over to the beggar behind the Star of David and
said: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country.
People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a
Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a
beggar who has a cross.

In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."


The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, and turning
to the beggar with the cross said, "Irving, look who's trying to teach
the Goldberg brothers about marketing."

why does michael lile 28 year olds? Cause there are twenty of them :)

Two Jews walk into a bar....
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You would've thought the second one would have ducked. :D

First type of sex: House Sex: When you're newly married and
you have sex all over the house.

Second type of sex: Bedroom Sex: After you're married for a
while and you only have sex in the bedroom.


Third type of sex: Hall Sex: After you've been married for
many years, you just pass each other in the hall and say "F*** you".

There is an opening for an office position. Only women apply. The man conducting the interviews asks each candidate the same question.

"What would you do if you found $100 lying on the floor in the
office?"

The first one says "I would post a sign saying that some money
had been found, and try to find person who lost it."

The second one says "I would lock up the money up in my desk, and
if no one claims that they have lost any money, I would keep it."

The third one says "I would turn it over to the building security."

Do you know which woman got the job? The one with the big hooters. :(

The Rodeo Position


Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions. One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy, "What is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your girlfriend down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, "Boy, these feel just like your sister's."

Then you try to hold on for 8 seconds.

(Last one, I promise :) )

Jesus and Moses were sitting on a bench in heaven, remembering the good old days. They talked about what they used to be able to do and wondered if they still had their old tricks in them.

So, they decided to go see if they still had powers like they had so many years before. The pair went to the Red Sea and Moses raised his hands and parted the sea, just like he had when he was much much younger.

Jesus, clearly amazed, asked Moses, "There's so much that I did, but what could I do now to see if I still got it?"

"Walk on water like the good old days," replied Moses.

So Jesus kicked off the Birkenstocks and stepped into the water. He took three steps on the surface and then sank under the murky waters of the Red Sea. Dumbfounded, he looked at Moses and wondered what was the matter.

"Must be those dam holes in your feet," Moses responded.

Here's one some of us with lead foot disease will appreciate...

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!

A Scottsman, Irishman and Englishman walk into a pub and sit down at the bar. Each order a pint of guiness. A fly lands in each of their guiness.

The Englishman looks disgustedly at the fly, orders a new pint, and drains it.

The Scottsman looks calmly at the fly, picks it out, drains the glass.

The Irishman looks at the fly for a bit. Picks the fly out, looks it square in the eyes and says, "Spit it out, spit it the #@%$ out!"

There was an elephant walking in the forest, as he is walking he sees a mouse stuck in a hole. As the mouse notices the elephant walking by, he screams out "Hey, Can you help me out here?" The elephant says "Sure, no problem." Then the elephant takes out his penis, and throws it into the hole, and says "There ya go lil buddy," and the mouse then proceeds to climb up the elephants penis. The mouse gets out of the hole, thanks him, and tells him if he ever needs help he will be there!.

A few months later, the mouse is walking down the the forest, he then sees that same elephant, stuck in a hole. He says to himself "well hey, this is the same elephant that helped me out, let me help him." The mouse then stick out his penis, and the elephant looks, and laughs. The mouse says, "oh well at least i tried." The mouse then goes home, picks up his mercedes benz, and winches the elephant out of the hole.


What is the moral of the story?





















You dont need a large penis to drive a mercedes.

Whats the difference between the midget circus and the womens varsity track team?
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The midgets are a bunch of cunning runts.



What is the similarity between a divorce and a tornado in Oklahoma?
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Either way, someone is losing a trailer.


A Texan farmer walks into a lawyer's office and says, "I want me a deevorce!"
The lawyer replies, "Do you have any grounds?"
"Yip" replies the farmer, "got me about 100 acres."
Confused, the lawyer asks, "No I mean, did she leave, was there a dear john letter?"
"John Deere?" Says the farmer, "that's what I use on my grounds."
The lawyer is getting frustrated with the farmer's thick southern accent and tries again. "What is wrong with your wife, did you have a fight, does she have a grudge."
"Yeah we've got a grudge" the farmer replies, "that's where I keep the John Deere when it rains"
Impatiently, the lawyer blurts out "I MEAN, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR WIFE??? IS SHE AN ALCOHOLIC? IS SHE BAD TO YOUR KIDS, IS SHE A NAGGER, WHAT??"
The Farmer is offended by this statement and replies "Naigger?.......... no, but she just gave birth to one and that's why I want a deevorce"

Not necesarily a joke, rather a humorous letter for pet lovers:

Dear Dogs and Cats,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this.

Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.

Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping; they can actually curl up in a ball.

It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, and then go smell the other dogs' butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door...

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our
Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Where do you find a dog with no legs??


1) The half-off section at the pet store!!

2) Right where you left the fucker!!

A bear and a rabbit are sh!ting in the woods.
The bear looks down at the rabbit and asks if sh!t sticks to his fur.
The rabbit replies no.
So the bear wipes his a$$ with the rabbit

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and
spotted a woman below.

He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me,can you help me? I
promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I
am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees
north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically
correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact
is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If
anything,you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're
going.. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot
air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect
people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly
the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my
fault."

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the
girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would
like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms
he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy
insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and
meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to
meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the
girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace
and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his
head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you
were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was
a pharmacist."

[QUOTE] Meowloud is Online:
Graduate of F.U. Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: 35.0460N, 85.3100W
Posts: 577


There is an opening for an office position. Only women apply. The man conducting the interviews asks each candidate the same question.

"What would you do if you found $100 lying on the floor in the
office?"

The first one says "I would post a sign saying that some money
had been found, and try to find person who lost it."

The second one says "I would lock up the money up in my desk, and
if no one claims that they have lost any money, I would keep it."

The third one says "I would turn it over to the building security."

Do you know which woman got the job? The one with the big hooters.


THATS'S STUPID...

EVIL

^ The best joke yet :D

Meowloud is Online:
Graduate of F.U. Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: 35.0460N, 85.3100W
Posts: 577


THATS'S STUPID...

EVIL

Someone feeling a little Trollish today? :D

wtf i want to steal peoples coordinates!

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse."
The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man-can only think of one thing."
The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horses ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man-going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."
The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, damn it!
P-O-S-S-E!"

An Indian found himself in a brothel in Toronto and decided to
approach a prostitute. He asked her, "How much do you charge for
the hour?" "$100," she replied. "Do you do Indian style?" Not
knowing exactly what this was she refused. He tried to sweeten the
deal and said, "I'll pay you $300 to do it Indian style". Again she
declined. Being the persistent type, he laid down the final offer,
"I'll give you $500 to go Indian style with me! What do you say?"
Finally she agrees thinking, "Well I've been in the game for over
10 years now. I've been there and done that, and had every kind of
request from weirdo's from all over the world. How bad could Indian
style be?" After several intense hours of every possible way and
position, she turned to him and said. "That was fantastic, but I
was expecting something perverted and disgusting. Where does the
Indian style' come in?" The Indian opened a can of beer and
replied. "I'll pay you next Wednesday when I get my welfare

Why do blonde women have bruised bellybuttons?
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Blonde Men

Two turtles go camping and pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer. After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot but realize they've forgotten a bottle opener. The first turtle turns to the second and says, "You've gotta go back and get the opener or else we have no beer."

"No way," says the second. "By the time I get back, you will have eaten all the food."

"I promise I won't," says the turtle. "Just hurry!"

Nine full days pass and there's still no sign of the second turtle. Exasperated and starving, the first turtle digs into the sandwiches. Suddenly, the second turtle pops out from behind a rock and yells, "I knew it! I'm not f-cking going!"

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the at the next stop.

When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prays to God. "If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are God and you could command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides this is a great idea, so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure enough the nun shows up and begins praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says. "I AM GOD! I have heard your prayers and I will answer them, BUT ... first you must have sex with me." The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun.

After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts,"Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the hippie!!"

Then the nun jumps up and shouts, "Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the bus driver!!"








An 85 year old man visits his doctor to get a sperm count. The geezer's given a jar and told to bring back a sample. The next day he returns to the doctor with an empty jar.

"What happened?" says the doctor.

"Well," the old man starts, "I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left -- nothing. Then she tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called Evelyn, the lady next door, but still nothing."

The doctor bursts out, "You asked your neighbor?"

"Yep, No matter what we tried we couldn't get that damn jar open."

i got 1!!! i died laughing at this for a good 30 minutes last night while i was high

Why is six so afraid of seven?

Because seven eight nine
^gotta say it a few times

*****WARNING - ETHNIC JOKES BELOW - NOTHING TOO BAD - DON'T FLIP OUT*****

Dating Ethnic Women

WHITE WOMEN:
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.

IRISH WOMEN:
First date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

ITALIAN WOMEN:
First date:You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3 carat
ring.
5th Anniversary:You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of
having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.

JEWISH WOMEN:
First date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.

POLISH WOMEN:
First date: You pick her up, she isn't home. She gave you the wrong address.
Second date: You decide to meet at a restaurant.
She gets lost getting to the restaurant and then again going home.
Third Date: She's pregnant. She's not sure if its hers.

CHINESE WOMEN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner,Nothing happens
again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and
you already realized nothing is going to happen.

INDIAN WOMEN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.

BLACK WOMEN:
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third date: You get to pay her rent. Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone
other than you.

LATIN WOMEN:
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Riunite,
have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third date: Move in with her, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and
live happily ever after eating rice and beans in the Bronx.

i got 1!!! i died laughing at this for a good 30 minutes last night while i was high

Why is six so afraid of seven?

Because seven eight nine
^gotta say it a few timesGuess I gotta be high... not till later this evening :D

I love the non PC jokes... like women jokes. No harm/offense intended.

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?









Nothing, youve already told her twice. :D




What's a Jewish dilema?




Free Ham.





A two story duplex home has a white family living on the second floor and a black family living on the first floor. The house burns to the ground and only one family survives, which family?




The white family. The parents are at work and kids are in school.

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "remember those headaches I've
been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand

in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, 'I do not have a
headache;
I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache.' It worked! The
headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in
the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and
see
if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes

home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the
bedroom. He puts he! r on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right
back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps into
bed
and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I'll be right back."

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better
than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him...... and there, in the bathroom,
she sees
him standing at the mirror, saying, "She's not my wife! She's not my
wife!
She's not my wife!"

His funeral services will be held on Monday.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)

A A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour

(Don't try this at home,maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??)

An old man is pushing his shopping cart in Wal-mart when he accidently plows into another old man's cart.

"Gosh, I am so sorry. I'm been looking for my wife for an hour and I guess I wasn't watching where I was going."

"No problem buddy. I've been looking for my wife for a long time too."

First guy, "Hey, you tell me what you're wife looks like, I'll tell you what my wife looks like and we can look for each other."

"Well, my wife is 22 yrs old, she's got long, red hair, she's about 5' 10", real nice tan and today she has on a real short skirt. What does your wife look like?"

"To hell with my wife, let's look for yours!!"

Got this one from the latest issue of Maxim.

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.
Along comes this young kid with a mohawk colored Red, Green and Purple.
The old man sits and stares at the kid.
The kid looks over to the old man and says "What's the matter old man?! Never did anything crazy in your life?"
The old man replies "Sure I have. A couple years ago I screwed a peacock. I was just hoping you weren't my son!"

Got this one from the latest issue of Maxim.

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.
Along comes this young kid with a mohawk colored Red, Green and Purple.
The old man sits and stares at the kid.
The kid looks over to the old man and says "What's the matter old man?! Never did anything crazy in your life?"
The old man replies "Sure I have. A couple years ago I screwed a peacock. I was just hoping you weren't my son!"
ROFLLMAO.......ROFLLMAO......I am taking that one to work.:D

A few that got me good:

Why can't male gypsies have children?


Because they have crystal balls.



Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?


Because it was dead.

Why did the chicken cross the road?





To show the Opossum that it could be done

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go
fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be
gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion
I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and
set out my rod and tackle box? We're leaving from the office & I will
swing by the house to pick my things up."
"Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas." The wife thinks this sounds
a bit fishy but being the good wife she does exactly what her husband
asked.
The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking
good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He
says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why
didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do? You'll
love the answer...
The wife replies, "I did, they're in your tackle box."

what does viagra and a ride at disney world have in common?
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Thirty minute wait for a 3-minute ride!!!



What's the difference between a hooker and drug dealer?

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A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again!!

Lol Lol

Nick the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's
voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.

One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the
Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician
exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy
his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder
and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed.
Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident,
Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special
saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that
tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as
the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the
Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching
powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours,
Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left
satisfied and was touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the
Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession
now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and,
knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the
King, shooed him away with no payment made.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same
itching powder into the King's shorts. The King immediately summoned
Nick the Dragon Slayer...



MORAL OF THE STORY: Pay your bills.

What happens to a politician when he takes Viagra?






























He gets taller!

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

An advisor rushes in to Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's office and blurs out:

- Mr President, Mr President, I have good and bad news!

Ahmadinejad say's
- Ok, give me the good news first.

Aid:
- The Americans are leaving Iraq!

Ahmadinejad:
- Well, that was excellent news! Good to hear! So, what’s the bad news?

Aid:
- They are coming this way...

(No hard feelings if you are from Tennessee - Nem)

A guy walks into a bar in Tennessee and orders a mudslide.

The bartender looks at the man and says, "You ain't from 'round here are ya?' "No," replies the man, "I'm from Pennsylvania."

The bartender looks at him and says, "Well, what do you do in Pennsylvania?"
"I'm a taxidermist," said the man.

The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks, "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?"
"The man says,"I mount animals.

The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar..."It's okay boys, he's one of us!"

What did the snail say as it was riding the turtle?
















"WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!! !!!"