This is mine


"Sex is evil, evil is a sin, sins are forgiven , so stick it in".

"Never put off until tomorrow what you can delay until the day after." - Oscar Wilde.

"I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together" Lennon/McCartney

Eccles that is so me. I delay everything. Example I have to get to the movies at 10:00 I don't get ready till 9:40 takes me like 20-30 min to get ready. than I speed get to the movies and we miss the first 5 min of a movie.

Originally posted by eclps0
Eccles that is so me. I delay everything. Example I have to get to the movies at 10:00 I don't get ready till 9:40 takes me like 20-30 min to get ready. than I speed get to the movies and we miss the first 5 min of a movie.

i have never been late for a movie.

"I have been wandering about trying to find a world that will except my existence of having some worth."

"Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part."

"Mature is learning to live with things you can't change" my Dad...:)

"Profanity is for ignorant motherfuckers"

"I would never belong to any club that would have me as a member." - Groucho Marx

"Jimmy, doncha see... I'm a criminal, my word don't mean dick." - Christopher Walken ( Things to do in Denver When Your Dead)

"All I know is my fighta, he was head butt ten times in his last two fights. Dat udder fighta, he was dancin' around dah ring like a little bitch."

I leave it to you guys to figure out where this quote came from...

dee do do do dee da da da - The Police
obladi oblada - The Beatles
da da da - Trio

"Go back to your country, damm A-rabs"

"Unless you're the lead dog, the view never changes." -- some anonymous dog-sledder

Here are a few of my favorites:

Christian (n): One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual need of his neighbor. -- Ambrose Bierce

Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally. -- Abraham Lincoln

It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value. -- Arthur C. Clarke

As far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence -- Bertrand Russell

Some mornings it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps -- Emo Phillips

The Bible contains 6 admonishments to homosexuals and 326 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean God doesn't love heterosexuals -- He just thinks they need more supervision. -- Lynn Lavner

The U.S. Constitution is *not* a work in progress. -- Pat Schroeder (former member, U.S. House of Representatives)

It is astonishing how much energy some people waste worrying that someone else might be enjoying life in ways they don't approve of. -- Kevin Michael Vail

All Bibles are man-made. -- Thomas Edison

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. -- Oscar Wilde

Some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go. -- Oscar Wilde

256 hosts is essentially infinite. -- Original ARPANET planners

Blessed are they who have nothing to say and who cannot be persuaded to say it. -- James Russell Lowell

Tell a man that there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he'll believe you.... Tell him that a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch it to be sure.

The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. -- Albert Einstein

Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power. -- Abraham Lincoln

A computer without a Microsoft operating system is like a dog without bricks tied to its head.

The New York Times is read by people who run the country... the Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country... the National Enquirer is read by people who think Elvis is alive and is running the country. -- Robert J. Woodhead

Government exists to protect us from each other. Where government has gone beyond its limits is in deciding to protect us from ourselves. -- Ronald Reagan

Good judgment comes from bad experience; a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is deceased. My suggestion, therefore, is that you drop dead. -- James E. Day, former U.S. Postmaster General

All censorships exist to prevent anyone from challenging current conceptions and existing institutions. All progress is initiated by challenging current conceptions, and executed by supplanting existing institutions. Consequently, the first condition of progress is the removal of censorships. -- George Bernard Shaw

People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history. -- Dan Quayle

The right to do something does not mean that doing it is right. -- William Safire

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes

Society is well governed when the people obey the magistrates, and the magistrates obey the laws. -- Solon

Better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. -- Mark Twain

Washington is a city of southern efficiency and northern charm. -- John F. Kennedy

Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams. -- Mary Ellen Kelly

A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way. -- Mark Twain

For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press 3. -- Alice Kahn

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. -- Arthur C. Clarke

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use. -- Galileo Galilei

A no-smoking section in a restaurant is like a no-peeing section in a swimming
pool.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure helps maintain it.

The easiest way to get shot is to carry a gun. -- Atticus Finch

It would be a mistake for the United States Senate to allow any kind of human cloning to come out of that chamber. -- George W. Bush

It always seemed to me a bit pointless to disapprove of homosexuality. It's like disapproving of rain. -- Francis Maude

How libertarian-minded conservatives can tolerate Ashcroft is beyond my limited ability to comprehend human irrationality.

"One world, one web, one program." -- Microsoft promotional ad
"Ein Volk, ein Reich, ein Führer." -- Adolf Hitler

There are two kinds of people: those who know how to search, and those who post
dups.

To announce that there must be no criticism of the president or that we are to stand by the president, right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally trasonable to the American Public. -- Theodore Roosevelt

I hope one day I can clone another Dick Cheney. Then I won't have to do anything. -- George W. Bush

It is clear our nation is reliant upon big foreign oil. More and more of our imports come from overseas. -- George W. Bush

They want the federal government controlling Social Security like it's some kind of federal program. -- George W. Bush

"Badges?...We don't need no stinking badges"

Same theme: "Where the white women at!?"

(Cleavon Little (black actor) to a KKK member waiting in line for badges.)

Originally posted by jtimbck2
There are two kinds of people: those who know how to search, and those who post dups.There are 10 types of people in this world: those that understand binary, and those that don't.

Here are a few:

"You will find that having is not as good of a feeling as wanting. It is not logical and yet it is often true" - Star Trek Mr. Spock


"If anyone asks,I'm the pretty one" - Torch Song Trillogy

"Slower traffic keep right." :)

2nd. place is the first loser!!!!!

“He who gives up essential liberty for a little temporary security deserves neither liberty nor security.” - Benjamin Franklin

So many of these are great! Here's one of mine:

"There are two kinds of artists left: those who endorse Pepsi and those who simply won't."
- Annie Lennox

If knowledge can create problems, it is not through ignorance that we can solve them.
Isaac Asimov

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
Isaac Asimov

The only good is knowledge and the only evil ignorance.
Socrates

The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.
Emerson

Hell is other people.
Sartre

Criticism alone can sever the root of materialism, fatalism, atheism, free-thinking, fanaticism, and superstition, which can be injurious universally; as well as of idealism and skepticism, which are dangerous chiefly to the Schools, and hardly allow of being handed on to the public.
Kant

Ships are safest in harbor, but meant to sail the open seas.
Unknown

From the Simpsons:
And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive? --Homer Simpson

Bart, a woman is like beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one! --Homer Simpson

Bart, you're saying butt-kisser like it's a bad thing! --Homer Simpson
Don't eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them. --Homer Simpson

Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night. --Homer Simpson

More Simpson’s quotations: http://members.tripod.com/impinknet/Homer.html

"Sure hard work pays off in the long run, but laziness pays off right now." - unknown

there are two things you should never have to pay for

WATER OR SEX

Ice cube from dangerous grounds

"A computer without M$ Windows is like a chocolate cake without mustard" -- unknown

"Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand."

Originally posted by jtimbck2
Here are a few of my favorites:

...

I hope one day I can clone another Dick Cheney. Then I won't have to do anything. -- George W. Bush

It is clear our nation is reliant upon big foreign oil. More and more of our imports come from overseas. -- George W. Bush

They want the federal government controlling Social Security like it's some kind of federal program. -- George W. Bush

FYI, the first Bush quote was in jest. For more "Bushisms":

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/1241240.stm

-Mr. Wigggles

Originally posted by rotarynews.com
"Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand." Heh, that reminds me of "Real Programmers Don't Use Pascal" (http://spike.scu.edu.au/~barry/RealProgrammers1.html) from the early 80's.

"the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few" Mr Spock

"resistance is futile, you will be assimilated" Any Borg

" Good evening ladies and jellyspoons! I stand before you to stand behind you to tell you about something which I know nothing about. Next Thursday which is really good Friday, there will be a meeting of the women's club for men only. Admission free! Pay at the door. Pull up a chair! Sit on the floor! We will be discussing the four corners of the round table! Thank You!

DB

When teaching your son about sex

"Don't think with the WRONG head"

use protection lmao
yeah dont have kids

"That which does not kill you, only prolongs the inevitable"

unknown

Those are some good ones.

Some of the more serious ones (Lincoln, Franklin, etc) were great.

Ike's was just plain hilarious! :D

Mine is in my sig...

"Not playing to win is like sleeping with your Sister. Sure it's a great piece of tail and a blouse full of goodies, but.... it's illegal."

Charlie Sheen - Hot Shots

Originally posted by RX-jimenez
"Mature is learning to live with things you can't change" my Dad...:)

"Keep your pecker in your pants!"

My Dad - the entire unedited transcript of "the talk".

"It depends on what the meaning of the word 'is' is."

I'd like to forget who said it.

Mine is my signature.

Slightly more than a "quote":

Sweet are the uses of adversity,
Which, like the toad, ugly and venomous,
Wears yet a precious jewel in his head;
And this our life, exempt from public haunt,
Finds tongues in trees, books in the running brooks,
Sermons in stones, and good in everything.
I would not change it.

-- William Shakespeare, As You Like It

"Revenge is a dish best served cold"

Kahn Noonian Singh

"If it were up your a$$ you'd know it."

Unknown

Someone else's version of "The Talk": "Son, you're walkin' around with a loaded weapon now, so.... watch it!"
Some comedian said this, if I could remember who, I'd give credit...:)

I do the things you are afraid to fantasize about

Heres one that happens all the time in Palestine

(Israeli soldier shots a 5yr old kid)
(The Israeli soldier says " it was an accident, i thought he was a suicide bomber")

"How we deal with death is at least as important as how we deal with life, isn't it?"

There are two kinds of pedestrians, the quick ones and the dead ones.

"Don't ever marry a woman with hands bigger than yours. It makes your dick look smaller."

"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one."

Albert Einstein

"Life is uncertain... eat dessert first."

Only a poor man can laugh in the face of a robber - unknown


Always, no never, ----no always carry a trash bag in your car, that way, if it gets full, you can throw it out the window. - Steve Martin

"The object and practice of liberty lies in the limitation of
governmental power." General Douglas MacArthur

To err is human, to forgive devine.

If you don't eat your meat you can't have any pudding, how can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?

Originally posted by RX-GR8
If you don't eat your meat you can't have any pudding, how can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?

Good one......Pink F.

"Quotes are what people say when they can't come up with an original thought of their own" - Unknown

"The energy wasted on rememberring quotes should be used for trying to create something of your own worth rememberring." - Unknown

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But ONLY if you're serious about adopting the vulture.
- Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live)
Author: Jack Handey

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung

Voltaire

Baseball is 90% mental, the other half is physical

Yogi Berra

Never let somebody else determine how your are going to react.

Originally posted by RX-GR8
To err is human, to forgive devine. To err is human; to moo, bovine.

I am a rock, I am an island. And a rock feels no pain and an island never cries.

Originally posted by hotpot
dee do do do dee da da da - The Police
obladi oblada - The Beatles
da da da - Trio Doo bee doo bee doo - Frank Sinatra

I never add up. I only subtract from the total dying... . . . It is not the magnitude of our actions but the amount of love that is put into them that matters.

You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation. Plato

My sig.

Man can love an angel, but he's gotta take a chance- Atmosphere

Please ensure Brain is engaged before mouth is in gear.
--Unknown

It is better to remain silent and have people suspect you are an idiot than to open your mouth and prove it.

--Sam Clements (I think)

The man is a politician and a crook, but I repeat myself.

--Sam Clements (paraphrased)

Originally posted by eccles
Doo bee doo bee doo - Frank Sinatra

Doo doo bee doo - Marilyn Monroe

Don't mess wth me; I know Karate, Kung Fu, and 47 other dangerous words.

That was our only hope of finding three wise men in that building.

--Gov Ann Richards

She was commenting on the removal of a christian holiday display in the Texas state legislature.

"Get rid of the gun. Take the cannoli." Peter Clemenza, The Godfather

"Poor George. He can't help it -- he was born with a silver foot in his mouth."

-- former Texas Governor Ann Richards, referring to Daddy Bush.

"Before engaging in a battle of wits, make sure your opponent is armed." -- unknown

"Outside of a dog, a book is mans best friend. Inside a dog, it's too dark to read." - Groucho Marx

"Avoid the Clap, Jimmy Doogan? It's good advice!" -- Tom Hanks, A League of Their Own

"Live everyday as if it were your last, because someday you'll be right." -- Benny Hill

"Yeah and if wishes were horses we'd all be eating steak." -- Jayne Cobb, Firefly

"I'm smarter than the devil! I'm smarter than the devil!" -- Homer Simpson

"I've soiled my armor!" - Brave, Brave, Brave, Brave Sir Robin

"I did it again!" - Brave, Brave, Brave, Brave Sir Robin

MadRonin

GUN control is using both hands!!!

No one wanted to try and figure out where my favorite quote came from? Fine I will tell yah.

It came from Don King and his address to the Boxing Comission in Las Vegas after Mike Tyson bit off Evander Hollyfield's ear. It either takes guts or a complete lack of edicut and intellegence to have the huevos to say that to the people who decide if your fighter will be able to compete in their jurisdiction again.

I'll never forget this one from grade school:

Here I sit,
paid to $h1t,
but only fartin'.

I never let my schooling get in the way of my education.

Thomas Jefferson

RotaryStalker

Jonalan - I rememberred it like this:

Here I sit so broken hearted, came to shit but only farted!

Mens bathroom, Anytown, USA

Originally posted by success07
Jonalan - I rememberred it like this:

Here I sit so broken hearted, came to shit but only farted!

Mens bathroom, Anytown, USA
Yeah, I saw the shorter version in a grade school bathroom. The kid that wrote it probably couldn't spell broken hearted. :D

I've heard your version, too. The simpler one is the one that sticks in my head, though.

Great thread eclipse0.

What no Arnold quotes? Oh my god, he is the king of the one line movie quote. A sampling:

"I'll be back"
"Hasta la vista, baby"
"He split" from Running Man (can't remember the others, but a quote after every kill)
"Consider that a divorce" from Total Recall *my personal favorite (after he killed Sharon Stone)

Then there's the Clint Eastwood 44 Magnum speech ending with "Do you feel lucky punk? Well do ya?!"

Winners never quit and quitters never win. but those who never win and never quit are idiots.

- Despair.com

The problem with kittens is they grow up to be cats.

--Anonymous

"Goortt.....Klattu barradda nikto"

If you dont want to see the monkeys ass, dont look up the tree.

"You're best? Losers whine about doing their best. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen."

Sean Connery in The Rock.

Originally posted by Speed-ER doc
Great thread eclipse0.

What no Arnold quotes? Oh my god, he is the king of the one line movie quote. A sampling:

"I'll be back"
"Hasta la vista, baby"
"He split" from Running Man (can't remember the others, but a quote after every kill)
"Consider that a divorce" from Total Recall *my personal favorite (after he killed Sharon Stone)

Then there's the Clint Eastwood 44 Magnum speech ending with "Do you feel lucky punk? Well do ya?!"

i really like this thread, tehres no flaming and no bs its a good thread so far

"I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Time to die." - Roy Batty, Blade Runner

Those who can -- do.
Those who can't -- teach.
Those who can't teach -- teach Gym.

-Woody Allen

And then of course there's the wit and wisdom of Sir Winston Churchill:
A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.

Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed.

From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.

I have always felt that a politician is to be judged by the animosities he excites among his opponents.

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.

It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all the others that have been tried.

Men stumble over the truth from time to time, but most pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing happened.

Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room.

Never, never, never believe any war will be smooth and easy, or that anyone who embarks on the strange voyage can measure the tides and hurricanes he will encounter. The statesman who yields to war fever must realize that once the signal is given, he is no longer the master of policy but the slave of unforeseeable and uncontrollable events.

Personally I'm always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught.

Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.

There are a terrible lot of lies going around the world, and the worst of it is half of them are true.

We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give.

When I am abroad, I always make it a rule never to criticize or attack the government of my own country. I make up for lost time when I come home.

When the eagles are silent, the parrots begin to jabber.

Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum, sodomy and the lash.

I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Here is the answer which I will give to President Roosevelt... We shall not fail or falter; we shall not weaken or tire. Neither the sudden shock of battle nor the long-drawn trials of vigilance and exertion will wear us down. Give us the tools and we will finish the job. - BBC radio broadcast, Feb 9, 1941

Never in the face of human conflict has so much been owed by so many to so few. - "The Battle of Britain", Aug 20, 1940

A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.

The Americans will always do the right thing... After they've exhausted all the alternatives.

We shall defend our island whatever the cost may be; we shall fight on beaches, landing grounds, in fields, in streets and on the hills. We shall never surrender. - After the fall of France

Battles are won by slaughter and maneuver. The greater the general, the more he contributes in maneuver, the less he demands in slaughter.

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

"Did anyone ever tell you that you are angry when you are beautiful? From "Q" to Janeway.

Anything from Muhammad Ali. That man can talk big and back it.

Originally posted by Speed-ER doc
Great thread eclipse0.

What no Arnold quotes? Oh my god, he is the king of the one line movie quote. A sampling:

"I'll be back"
"Hasta la vista, baby"
"He split" from Running Man (can't remember the others, but a quote after every kill)
"Consider that a divorce" from Total Recall *my personal favorite (after he killed Sharon Stone)

Then there's the Clint Eastwood 44 Magnum speech ending with "Do you feel lucky punk? Well do ya?!"

don't forget... "Get dooown!"

"every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around."
:)

If God wanted us to be vegitarians, He would not have made the animals out of meat.

"My ancestors didn't claw their way to the top of the food chain so that I could eat vegetables."

"'Vegetarian' is an old Indian word meaning 'poor hunter'."

Nuggets of Southern wisdom:

"If the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits."

"He needed killin'."

Pain is temporary, bones heal, chicks dig scars, so stop bein a bitch and drive on!

To any vegetarian: THAT'S not food, that's what FOOD eats!

Let me write that down so I can throw it away.

"It takes 2 people to lie, one to lie and one to listen" - Homer Simpson

"It is no good trying to teach people who need to be taught." - Aleister Crowley

"Each day is better than the next." - Woogie (Chris Elliot), There's Something About Mary

Dr. Jekyll - "I'm a drug crazed beast with a giant erection that won't go away no matter how many times I do it. You're a nurse what can you give me?"
Nurse - "I have $37 and my wedding ring."
Dr. Jekyll - "Bus Fare!! I need real drugs!"
-- Dr. Jekyll (Mark Blankfield), Jekyll and Hyde, Together Again

"Well, my days of not taking you seriously are certainly coming to a middle." - Malcolm Reynolds, Firefly

"Does this punch taste funny to you? I've had this taste in my mouth before."
"Yep, does have a bit of a wang to it."
-- Hollywood Knights

"23 is ALMOST 25, which is ALMOST mid-20's." or "You can't use your Sears card in the ATM." the Genius-Jessica Simpson.

"Ben Affleck was MUCH more interesting when he was married to Matt Damon." comedian whose name escapes me.

"I'd do a sugar daddy for a horse. Hell, I'd do a horse for a sugar daddy." Jack MacFarland

- Winners never quit. So who is the idiot said, quit while you’re still ahead?

- Confucius said, it’s good for girls to meet boys in park. It’s better for boys to park meat in girls.

You keep campaigning for that ass-whoopin' and you're gonna win the election...

You can't have everything. ... Where would you put it?

-Steven Wright

Never try to teach a pig how to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig


- I'm hoping someone knows who originated this one...

The Jeckyl and Hyde one reminded me of this:

Woe to you, my Princess, when I come. I will kiss you quite red and feed you till you are plump. And if you are forward you shall see who is the stronger, a gentle little girl who doesn't eat enough or a big wild man who has cocaine in his body.
- Sigmund Freud, in a letter to his wife

Originally posted by Nubo
- I'm hoping someone knows who originated this one... Robert A Heinlein in "Time Enough for Love", according to http://www.funny-pets.com/quotes.html, though http://www.gurteen.com/gurteen/gurteen.nsf/0/B1BD6F491B78976080256A8C0057A136/ attributes it to Mark Twain.

When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.

We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it - and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.

-Mark Twain

The best preparation for tomorrow is to do today's work superbly well.

Choose a freckle-faced girl for a wife; they are invariably more amiable.

Alter the golden rule–what you do not like when done to yourself, do not do to others.

Silence is a powerful weapon. Look wise, say nothing, and grunt. Speech was given to conceal thought.

The glutton digs his own grave with his teeth.

The practice of medicine is an art, not a trade; a calling, not a business: a calling in which your heart will be exercised equally with your head.

Advice is sought to confirm a position already taken.

Sir William Osler, MD
http://www.medicine.mcgill.ca/oslerweb/default.htm

Arguing with an engineer is like mud wrestling a pig. After a while, you realize the pig likes it.

HARTMAN
How tall are you, Private?

COWBOY
Sir, five foot nine, sir!

HARTMAN
Five foot nine? I didn't know they stacked $hit
that high! You trying to squeeze an inch in on
me somewhere, huh?

HARTMAN

Where in hell are you from anyway, Private?

COWBOY

Sir, Texas, sir!

HARTMAN
Holy dog$hit! Texas! Only steers and queers
come from Texas, Private Cowboy! And you
don't look much like a steer to me, so that
kinda narrows it down!

Machiavelli - The Prince
"Upon this a question arises: whether it be better to be loved than feared or feared than loved? It may be answered that one should wish to be both, but, because it is difficult to unite them in one person, is much safer to be feared than loved, ....
.. Nevertheless a prince ought to inspire fear in such a way that, if he does not win love, he avoids hatred...
...because men more quickly forget the death of their father than the loss of their patrimony."

"I can run the country or I can control Alice, I cannot do both."
--Teddy Roosevelt

Here's some more:

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe. Carl Sagan

Communism doesn't work because people like to own stuff. Frank Zappa

The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has. Will Rogers

We don't see things as they are, we see things as we are. Anais Nin

When I'm working on a problem, I never think about beauty. I think only how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong. R. Buckminster Fuller

Whenever you have an efficient government you have a dictatorship. Harry S Truman

Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd be irresponsible, too. Lichty and Wagner

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
Woody Allen

No matter how rich you become, how famous or powerful, when you die the size of your funeral will still pretty much depend on the weather. Michael Pritchard

I am careful not to confuse excellence with perfection. Excellence, I can reach for, perfection is God’s business – Michael J. Fox.

If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn’t thinking. George S. Patton

The best thing about the future is that is comes only on day at a time – Abraham Lincoln

"Ass sex is bad...I know, no, i mean, I think"

-mom, yours or mine, its all the same.

My previous manager Larry used to make up the funniest things at work. After an exasperating conference call with a client, he said:

"I can show 'em where the urinal is, but I can't keep 'em from pissin' on my foot!"

He has since moved on, but I do miss the Larryisms.

:D :D :D :D :D LOL!!!!!!!!

Confucious say:

Man who stand on toilet high on pot.

Man who jump off cliff, jump to conclusion.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Virgin just like balloon ... one prick, all gone.

Secretary not permanent until she screwed on desk.

Man who put cock in Peanut Butter jar is F***ing Nuts.

Man with tool in woman mouth May not necessarily be dentist.

Couple on 7-day honeymoon make hole weak.

Girl who marry Richard must kiss Dick.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Man who excels at putting worm on hook is Master Baiter

Man young when he snatches kisses, old when he kisses snatches.

Man who loses key to lady's apartment get no new-key.

Man who go to sleep with itchy butt, wake with smelly fingers...

War do not determine who right, war determine who left.

Print FREE Cupons

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok

Schoolboy who play with schoolgirl during wrong period, get caught red-handed.

Girl who sit on judge's lap get an honourable discharge.

Girl who go camping must beware of evil intent.

Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.

He who farts in church sits in own pew.

He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own hands.

He who fish in other's hole often catch crabs.

Man who go to bed with hard problem wake up with solution in hand.

Squirrel who run up woman's leg not find nuts.

He who kisses woman's ass get crack in jaw.

Passionate kiss just like spider web - lead to undoing of fly.

Girl who sit on jockey's lap get hot tip.

If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient.

Man who stand on street corner with hands in pockets, not feeling crazy, feeling nuts.

Woman who go to bachelor apartment for snack get tit-bit.

Man who put rooster in Ice Compartment take out Stiff Cock.

No difference between man and mouse - both end in pussy.

Nail on board is not good as screw on bench.

1) Eccles, I thought you were going to get my favorite in the Winston Churchill category. I believe it went something like, "Miss, I may be drunk but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly." Classic and you can use variations of it in response to almost anything. I am a little fat right now, so sometimes in hockey games I will give the "I may be fat but I can lose weight, you are stuck being stupid your whole life."
2) Eccles, you got the Ben Franklin quote about liberty and what you deserve when you give it up for temporary security, which is my second favorite quote.
3) Layne Staley from Alice in Chains OD death "We chase this pretty lie"---opening line to Nutshell and it sums up drug addiction IMO and from another AIC song "Say Goodbye, Don't Follow.
4)" English, do you speak it Motherfucker, say what again. I dare you, I double dare you."
5) Butch says, "What now" "I'll tell you what now I'm going to get me a couple a hard pipe hittin &^$^*( to go to work on the home boy with a pair of pliers and a blowtorch.......I'm going to get medieval on his ass." Followed by "I meant between me and you". "Oh that what now"
6) "Don't condensend (I know spelling is wrong--spelling it the way it was said) to me man, I'll fucking kill you man."
If you know Tarantino, you know the last three, and there are so many more from his movies I could only give a few.

"I'll procrastinate later!"

Not sure who made it up but I say it all the time.

Originally posted by Rotary Nut
"Goortt.....Klattu barradda nikto"

Evil Dead II or Army of Darkness?

"i dunno"

Another OD self-prophecy: Bradley Nowell, from Sublime (my favorite band)

"I got that needle and I can't shake, take it away and I want more and more, someday I'm going to lose the war......."

Or, from same singer....

"I get so high I don't even want to breathe." (or something like that)

He did both.

Originally posted by rotarygod
Evil Dead II or Army of Darkness?
Umm... Day The Earth Stood Still

They said it in those movies too. I just didn't know where exactly the quote on here came from.

Religion is the Opiate of the people.

Karl Marx

(no I'm not a communist, I hate hippies)

If dolphins are so smart, why do they live in igloos.

-Eric Cartman

Originally posted by doccable
Umm... Day The Earth Stood Still


DING.....DING.....DING.....DING

Yes Ladies and Gentleman we have a winner.

It was what Klattu had Patricia Neals' character go and tell the robot Gortt if he was in trouble!

;)

3 from one of my favorite movies

Few people understand the psychology of dealing with a highway traffic cop. Your normal speeder will panic and immediately pull over to the side. This is wrong. It arouses contempt in the cop-heart. Make the bastard chase you. He will follow.

A drug person can learn to handle such things as seeing their dead grandmother crawling up their leg with a knife in her teeth. But no one should be asked to deal with this trip.


Let's get down to brass tacks. How much for the ape?

-Raoul Duke (Johnny Depp; Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas)

Originally posted by Senseny
1) Eccles, I thought you were going to get my favorite in the Winston Churchill category. I believe it went something like, "Miss, I may be drunk but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly."Indeed, one of his famed exchanges with Lady Astor. Not 100% accurate, but close enough for government work. :) I left it out because it was a riposte rather than a quip. No matter.

Their other famous exchange was:Lady Astor: "Winston, if I were your wife I'd put poison in your coffee."
Winston: "Nancy, if I were your husband I'd drink it."

"I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass, and I'm all out of bubble gum."

I think its from Evil Dead.

A few from Spaceballs:

"May the shwartz be with you" -

"Comb the desert"

"Ludicrous speed go!"

"Great a Druish princess"

"Sir, they've gone to plaid!"

DARK HELMET
What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie?

COL SANDURZ
Now. You're looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now, is happening now.

DARK HELMET
What happened to then?

COL SANDURZ
We passed then?

DARK HELMET
When?

COL SANDURZ
Just now. We're at now, now.

DARK HELMET
Go back to then.

COL SANDURZ
When?

DARK HELMET
Now.

COL SANDURZ
Now?

DARK HELMET
Now.

COL SANDURZ
I can't.

DARK HELMET
Why?

COL SANDURZ
We missed it.

DARK HELMET
When?

COL SANDURZ
Just now.

DARK HELMET
When will then be now?

COL SANDURZ
Soon.

DARK HELMET
How soon?

CORPORAL Sir.

DARK HELMET
What?

CORPORAL We've identified their location.
DARK HELMET
Where?

CORPORAL It's the Moon of Vega.

COL SANDURZ
Good work. Set a course, and prepare for our arrival.


DARK HELMET
When?

CORPORAL Nineteen-hundred hours, sir.


COL SANDURZ
By high-noon, tomorrow, they will be our prisoners.


DARK HELMET
WHoooooo. (mask falls down)

The great bubble gum line may have been in Evil Dead, but I know it was definitely in "They Live" when Roddy Piper walks into the bank and starts blowing aliens away.

Originally posted by Senseny
The great bubble gum line may have been in Evil Dead, but I know it was definitely in "They Live" when Roddy Piper walks into the bank and starts blowing aliens away.

That's where it was from, I couldn't put my finger on it.

Thanks! :D

"I've drank more beer, pissed more blood, and banged more quiff than all you numb-nuts put together "
- Gunnery Sgt. Tom 'Gunny' Highway (Clint Eastwood - Heartbreak Ridge)

People who say money can't buy happiness don't know where to shop. Malcom Forbes

Never let anyone ruin your day. Unknown

Boast not about tomorrow for you know not what a day may bring forth. King Soloman, Prov. 27:1

The prudent see danger and take refuge, the simple keep going and suffer for it. Prov. 27:12

Reckless words pierce like a sword but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Prov:12:18

My license plate frame "II Kings 9:20" For the driving is like the driving of Jehu son of Nimshi for he driveth furously!

To hurt someone to thier heart requires two people, an enemy and a friend, one to slander you and the other to get the message to you and often times it is hard to tell who is whom. Mark Twain

Marry a woman with lots of brothers, she is less likely to be disgusted by you.

We never lost a game, we just ran out of time. V. Lombardi

Last night I got home at two with a ten and woke up at ten with a two. Willi Nelson.

Never argue with an idiot, they bring you down to thier level and beat you with experience

From a bumper sticker I saw:

I'm not tailgating, I'm drafting.

Originally posted by 8ZoomZoomZoom8
"I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass, and I'm all out of bubble gum."

I think its from Evil Dead.



Nope. John Carpenter's 'They Live'

*edit* Sorry. Should have read all the posts. (thought i was so smart)

As far as evil dead goes, from Army of Darkness:
"You ain't leadin' but two things right now jack & shit, & jack just left town."

"We're on a mission from God" BB

"Do that voodoo that you do so well" Blazing Saddles


Al

"Missed it by that much"
....................................Agent Maxwell Smart

http://www.snikte.net/images/oops9.jpg

ever since the mathmaticians got involved i don't understand relativity either- albert einstein.

Originally posted by mental pimp
"Go back to your country, damm A-rabs"


Yes, i agree

Life sucks, then you die...(my addition) unless your Hindu, then it just sucks all over again.

Love is blind...(my addition) and sometimes it's blonde, too.

seen on a bumper sticker:

"I wasn't speeding...

... I was qualifying"

From a quip in a local independent paper:

Why are Jobs in America like WMDs in Iraq?

No one can find either!

"Do or do not, there is no try"

"Do not delay for tomorrow what you can avoid altogether"

Originally posted by Q121825

The man is a politician and a crook, but I repeat myself.

--Sam Clemens (paraphrased)

I thought the quote was "Now suppose I was a politician. Then suppose I was an idiot. But I repeat myself."

Originally posted by rex
"I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Time to die." - Roy Batty, Blade Runner

Awesome... I always liked that one.

Here's a few from Robert Heinlein:
"Everything is excess! To enjoy the flavor of life, take big bites. Moderation is for monks."

"Men rarely (if ever) manage to dream up a god superior to themselves. Most gods have the manners and morals of a spoiled child."

"Your enemy is never a villain in his own eyes. Keep this in mind; it may offer a way to make him your friend. If not, you can kill him without hate -- and quickly."

"It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is better still to be a live lion. And usually easier."

"An elephant: A mouse built to government specifications."

"Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe, and not make messes in the house."

"No state has an inherent right to survive through conscript troops and in the rong run no state ever has. Roman matrons used to say to their sons: "Come back with your shield, or on it." Later on, this custom declined. So did Rome.

"Always tell her she is beatiful, especially if she is not."

"Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash."

"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors - and miss."

"A man does not insist on physical beauty in a woman who builds up his morale. After a while he realizes that she is beautiful - he just hadn't noticed it at first."

"Formal courtesy between husband and wife is even more important than it is between strangers."


And here's another one I like recently:
"Jack, Jack, don't you be recognizing that little island we made you governor of last time?"

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. (Will Rogers)

If you're not liberal at 20 you have no heart, if you're not conservative at 40 you have no head

Save a Soldier's Life.
Vote Democratic.

"Austin- a little slice of California right here in Texas"
- I made that one up myself

Louisiana State tourist Motto (late 90's) It may have changed since then:


"Come as you are. Leave Different!"

Puerto Rico Tourism Commercial:

"... you are not dreaming, you are in Puerto Rico"


IT'S SO TRUE!

Originally posted by Mark
If you're not liberal at 20 you have no heart, if you're not conservative at 40 you have no head

I heard a variant on this one.

"If, as a youth, you do not hate the establishment, you are a fool. If, as a mature adult, you are not a part of the establishment, you are also a fool."

I've got two:

"I'll make plans for the future tomorrow"

"Speed's just a question of money, how fast do you want to go?"

Originally posted by VividRacing.com
..."Speed's just a question of money, how fast do you want to go?" Wow, how timely! My brother pretty much said the same thing to me in an email just yesterday (he's preparing for another racing season right now ;) ) I think he put it "Your speed really is limited only by the depth of your pocket." :D

My brother's car in the 2003 Valvoline runoffs at Mid Ohio last September...

My brother's car right now... :eek:

He built the car brand new. As he said the other day, "Here we go again !!!"

It's gonna be so very much worth it though, if it all works out.
I'll fill y'all in on it when it's too late for the competition to find out. ;)
It's going to be something wonderful! <<<Oh, one of my favorite quotes, btw...

" Damn them.........damn them all to hell!"

Charlton Heston, from the ending of "The planet of the apes"

Oooh, whoa! Hehe. Good one!

"I did not have sexual relations with that woman" Now define sexual relation.....

"Rock out with your cock out" -Stiffler "American Wedding:

"Deal with it, rock & roll" -Sean Bateman (James Van Der Beek) "Rules of Attraction"

"Your so f**kin money you don't even know it" -Vince Vaughan "Swingers"

"Never be affraid to try something new. Remember, amatures built the Arc, professionals built the Titanic." - Annonymous

"I think fast and I talk fast. And I need you guys to act fast if you want to get out of this. So, pretty please, with sugar on top. Clean the f*ckin car" - Mr. Wolf "Pulp Fiction"

"You know the world's gone mad when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the USA of arrogance and the Germans don't want to go to war."

"Silly Faggot Dix are for Chix"!!

Originally posted by lilbigman
"You know the world's gone mad when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the USA of arrogance and the Germans don't want to go to war."

..and the top officials are named Bush, Dick and Colon.:D

Originally posted by Racer X-8
My brother's car in the 2003 Valvoline runoffs at Mid Ohio last September...

Why do they call it "Runoffs" when the idea is to stay ON the track??:D :D :p :D :D

Bwahahaha!

No, it's the OTHER cars your supposed to "runoff". Badump-dump! :D

Yuk yuk yuk!

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every
minute of it.

I work hard because millions on welfare
depend on me.

Some people are alive only because its
illegal to kill them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don't take life to seriously, no one gets out
alive.

You're just jealous because the voices only
talk to me.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

Quoting one is plagiarism, quoting many is
research.

I'm not a complete idiot -- some parts are
missing.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Nyquil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-
the-room-spinning medicine.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out
to get you.

Consciousness, that annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three
Mile Island cleanup crew.

Being 'over the hill' is much better than being
under it.

Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to
be when I grew up.

Procrastinate Now!

My cat can lick anyone!

I have a degree in liberal arts, do you want
fries with that?

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes
bundled with the software.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a
cash advance.

STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park
elsewhere!

They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was
already taken.

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless
dead.

A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS,
but it uses up three thousand times the memory
on your computer.

HAM AND EGGS -- A day's work for a chicken, a
lifetime commitment for a pig.

The trouble with life is there is no background
music.

It is never too late to be what you might have been.

Racing on the streets is like kissing your sister, if you do it, you're a moron

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

Ozzy

Oh Yeah!
"I feel my best when I am happy. " - Winona Ryder

Chinese fortune cookie:
Bad luck and misfortune will infest your pathetic soul for all eternity.

Originally posted by Q121825
Save a Soldier's Life.
Vote Democratic.

Heh, yeah just cut his/her pay and starve his/her family.

My cousin (a marine) to someone complaining about him going to Afganistan: "I didn't join the Marines to sit on my a$$ at home, this is my job. I knew what I was getting into."

"This town needs an enema"

i'm not as think as you drunk i am

"Never is a man taller than when he stoops to help a child."

Why are you looking up here? The joke is in your hand.
Written above a urinal

"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then is not an act, but a habit."

Aristotle

"We looked like a monkey fucking a football out there!"

Days of Thunder

"If nobody is logged in, does the Forum still exist?"

Newbie post

"I never did mind the little things"

movie: Point of No Return

"They say speed kills so do brakes give life?"

I wonder who will sit and read all these quotes after posting?

-me

PICS PLEASE!
many male posters on this and other internet forum when they see posts by someone who's online name is hottrx8chic

May you inherit 1,000 homes. each with 1,000 rooms. each room with 1,000 beds, each bed with 1,000 fleas. And may an angry dog chase you from bed to bed.


Johnny Carson as "Karnak"

"Death is a small price to pay for a good move"

WTF?

Definitely one of my favorites...

"To laugh often and much; To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded."

"Is Wayne Bradey gonna have to choke a bitch?"

"I'm Rick James bitch!"

"I'm rich bitch! honk honk!"

Chappelle Show, funny as hell.

"hey, watch this...."

"I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means."

- Clarence Darrow, 1925

hey you want the tickets don't you? then go shake your wee wee.

(gonna butcher this like crazy but ohwell) love is just a neuronal effect just like eating large quanties of chocolate.

(atm machine) feed me a stray cat

I'd say come again then I'd laugh because I said come.

Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."

--Drew Carey

Some more good ones

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."
--Dave Barry

"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house,"
--Rod Stewart

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
--Conan O'Brien

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my Gosh....I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery

"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
--Johnny Carson

"Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson

"Suppose you were an idiot . And suppose you were a member of Congress ... But I repeat myself."
--Mark Twain

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan!"
--A. Whitney Brown

"Ah, yes, divorce......., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
--Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
--Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
--Billy Crystal

"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My Gosh, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"
--Dave Barry

Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease was taken.
--Unknown

It is not how they died that makes them heroes, but how they lived.


When you go home,
Tell them of us and say,
For their tomorrow,
We gave our today.

British War memorial


Cowards die many times before their deaths,
The valiant never taste of death but once.

Julius Caesar, Shakespeare


Congress shall have no power to disarm the militia. Their swords,
and every other terrible implement of the soldier, are the
birth-right of an American.... The unlimited power of the sword
is not in the hands of either the federal or state governments,
but, where I trust in God it will ever remain, in the hands of the
people.

Tench Coxe


Two men can keep a secret only if one is dead.

how about "Wow What A Stupid Thread" ??? thats my quote i called it!