I have come up with a new mod that I think will solve the MPG/MPH issues, in addition to creating world peace and curing cancer.

I simply replaced my engine with three gerbils on crack running around endlessly on a wheel, attached to my drive shaft...but there is a problem. No matter how many times I shock their little balls with my cattle prod, the car will not move!!!!

I have tried diffrent drugs, and more voltage......all I get is crispy exhausted,wacked out rodents with wild, staring eyes...Do you think reduction gears will help? Is anyone making a hamster mod?

Would stuffing a new high flow exhaust up their tiny bums help?

**********UPDATE>>ALL ISSUES RESOLVED!!********



KLEGGSPEED has developed 2 diffrent mods, specifically aimed at those who will never use the HP boost, and who really only want bragging rights...after all, my HP gains are mostly in the upper rev range, speeds were most drivers rarely go and which are illegal in most states..

My investigation has shown that the "port campaign" did not involve the ECM at all, but involved the removal of certian hardware....specifically the japan spec "booster"

my stage one mod involves swapping the engine for a big metal wheel. Included in the kit are the new gears to connect the wheel to the driveshaft, three hamsters, 6 months worth of crack, methadone, and a special kleggspeed design cattleprod that hooks up to the lighter. You should gain an extra 15-25 HP(hamster power), and this essentially restore the car to its original design specs. You actually gain a few HP due to the larger north american hamsters used.

For speed freaks, Stage two involves a far stronger carbon fiber wheel, required because we replace the hamsters with a rare kind of african rodent known by the pygmies of the upper congo region as the "BIGAMUTHARATAAthatafartas", loosly translated in english to "big rat with flatulance" Also included is an upgraded prod, which can deliver a charge of 1,000,000k watts, enough to fry the testes of 5 grown men at a time. (this requires the installation of 16 truck batteries, but your power increase easily offsets the added weight.) Please note that the batteries are required due to the fierce nature of the african rodents, which at 100 pounds apiece can easely strip the flesh off af a grown man. DUE TO THE INTENSE HEAT GENERATED BY THESE GASEOUS ANIMALS, WE CAN NOT GUARANTEE THE LIFE OF THE CAT.

due to the unique nature of this mod, dyno numbers are not available. It seems the rats know when they are on a dyno, and simply stop running. The HP gain can easily be demonstrated with the equation S=RxW+D-W+G (speed=RATS+DRUGS-weight+GEARS)

ALSO keep in mind that you must stuff your engine back in if you go in for service.


Interested parties can forward their fathers credit card info to IKEWRX@YAHOO.com

OF course that is not a real email, and apologies to canzoomer


*******KLEGGSPEED is pleased to annouce the avaliability of new official bumperstickers!!!!*******

Two are now in production.

The first bears the KLEGGSPEED logo, with the words "RODENT POWER!" displayed in bright vomit green!!

For the owner who really wants some "bling-bling"

the full bumper and window decals proclaim your mod to the world "ONCE YOU GO RAT, YOU NEVER GO BACK"

*****************NEW UPDATE*********************NEW UPDATE****2/4/04*****************
THEY SAID IT COULD NOT BE DONE!!!! they said no one could combine cats and rats in a closed system....THEY WERE WRONG!!!!

KLEGGSPEED, the leader in fictious mazda performance products, is pleased to annouce our latest breakthrough, The "CAT BACK ATTACK" low/flow exhaust system.

Using the power of actual housecats to cleanse pollutants, our system resultis in more HP, with less emmisions....

instellation is so easy...just don our shoulder length leather gloves, slid your exhaust pipe into the suppled cats rectum, and glue the exhaust ports to the mouth! We provide everything you need, pipes, cat and gloves....a 1 year supply of kitty valium...and catnip.

The power of feline expulsion, with the speed of rodent propulsion.......KLEGGSPEED "Real problems, Fictious products"

Again, send your parents credit card number to..

IKEWRX@WHEREAMI.COM
:D :)

You go Klegg my boy!

good stuff klegg

Classic...

I've just been opening the sunroof and using my bedsheet as a sail on windy days. I also only drive down hill to work and back. My grandpa was right!

**************NEW UPDATE*******

When using the stage one or stage two mod, It is usually NOT necessary to reinstall the engine prior to factory service....

It seems the MAZDA techs would not know a rotary if it bit them in the ass, SO they will not realize anything is wrong, even when presented with what is, in essence, a huge "habitrail" rodent city stuffed under the hood..

You know. Tazmanian Devils offer more Lbs per sq in then any other animal in any other hemisphere. Then your car will have a nice Aussie whin to it!

Sign me up

I just heard about someone getting pulled over with the KleggSpeed stage II mod. Aparently the police officer noticed a noxious smell coming out of the car (also noted in the type of mod it is rats that have bad flatulance or something like that). When he investigated it under the hood he found 6 months worth the crack and now the driver has had is car, bank accounts, and property siezed. He has an attorney and they are trying to beat the rap by saying he didn't understand that this mod was in any way illegal but I guess we'll just have to see how it goes.

Just a warning to all of us (that's me included) who have already done this mod and are not willing to give it up. Be careful when the police are pulling you over. It might just be better to outrun them and not pull over at all. Also on a personal side note, don't try to take any of the crack away from the rats. Get your own becuase they fight ferociously for it. I have ended up in the hospital twice to recover.

what a stupid mod...reminds of something i used to do back in the 80s...welcome to the 21st century folks, there's this thing called "technology"...and with "technology" we are now able to fly by glueing various objects to the automobile...doesn't anyone read anymore?

http://www.rx8club.com/showthread.php?s=&postid=191111#post191111

I tried the fly mod at first but I had to take it back because there was too much buzzing around my car. Also I discovered that the life expectancy of the common house fly is only like a week and that meant that I was continuously replacing flies.

LOL

*****************NEW UPDATE*********

KLEGGSPEED is pleased to annouce the avaliability of new official bumperstickers!!!!

Two are now in production.

The first bears the KLEGGSPEED logo, with the words "RODENT POWER!" displayed in bright vomit green!!

For the owner who really wants some "bling-bling"

the full bumper and window decals proclaim your mod to the world "ONCE YOU GO RAT, YOU NEVER GO BACK"


Again, send your parents credit card number to..

IKEWRX@WHEREAMI.COM

Ok you can quit now. The joke is over.

yeah, but the the quality is still high... :)

Can i get ur mod to Eliminate all Zionists in this earth?

High is right. Snoop Dog and I was hangin' out one day and we waz tryin' ta decide which graphic we liked best. We put both on my 8 right in front above da driver and da passenger. It's real sick. I was all like this $#!t looks real sick dawg, and he said Ahh Hell Naah. We sure felt high after puttin' on the stickers and now my car is as smooth as butta. And I gained like 15 hp too. My car is all like money now.

************NEW UPDATE****2/4/04*****************
THEY SAID IT COULD NOT BE DONE!!!! they said no one could combine cats and rats in a closed system....THEY WERE WRONG!!!!

KLEGGSPEED, the leader in fictious mazda performance products, is pleased to annouce our latest breakthrough, The "CAT BACK ATTACK" low/flow exhaust system.

Using the power of actual housecats to cleanse pollutants, our system resultis in more HP, with less emmisions....

instellation is so easy...just don our shoulder length leather gloves, slid your exhaust pipe into the suppled cats rectum, and glue the exhaust ports to the mouth! We provide everything you need, pipes, cat and gloves....a 1 year supply of kitty valium...and catnip.

The power of feline expulsion, with the speed of rodent propulsion.......KLEGGSPEED

"fictious products, real problems"

Again, send your parents credit card number to..

IKEWRX@WHEREAMI.COM[

Originally posted by klegg
slid your exhaust pipe into the suppled cats rectum, and glue the exhaust ports to the mouth! We provide everything you need, pipes, cat and gloves....a 1 year supply of kitty valium...and catnip.

trademark infringement (http://www.bonsaikitten.com/bkmethod.html/)

please man...let it die, you can only squeeze so much orange juice from the same orange ;)

Originally posted by BRx8
trademark infringement (http://www.bonsaikitten.com/bkmethod.html/)

please man...let it die, you can only pull so many laughs from the same joke ;)


Oh my god that link is funny......

I only have a few (two) kleggspeed jokes left..donated by site members so I feel obligated to post them..then I think KLEGGSPEED shuts its doors..(sniff)

I said that on the 1st page.

The joke is over! Let it be. It isn't even approaching funny anymore (not that it ever was!). Now it's just damn annoying.

Will it improve my gas mileage over the stage II I already have installed?

Originally posted by rotarygod
I said that on the 1st page.

The joke is over! Let it be. It isn't even approaching funny anymore (not that it ever was!). Now it's just damn annoying.

You really do not think this is funny? Gee, I do, and lot of people here seem to also....I know my sense of humer is not for anyone...I guess just don't read it...like I said, two more "products" donated by folks here, and it is done...

I have to come up with something that will make you laugh, I take pride in my skills as a wiseass..what type of jokes do you like?

Originally posted by 93rdcurrent
Will it improve my gas mileage over the stage II I already have installed?

Yes, but do not let the rats see the cat!!!!There have been some reports of unexpected exceleration....

Good point.

I think it's pretty funny.

And Klegg, you mentioned African Rats for Stage II, but I would like to know specifically what breed of cat you are using, and at what size and weight have you found they deliver the best results?

We are supplying coomon house cats, due to our exclusive agreement with some local "kill now" shelters....there is some competion from local chinese resturants, but an annonomus call to the department of health should clear this up..

Now, we have a prototype system using Main coon cats, and norwegion forrest cats...FYI, they are the two largest breeds.

The problem is their highly refined sense of smell, and the damage their freakishly big, six clawed feet can cause...combining the worlds biggest rat (non elected that is..) with such large cats is similer to droping a atom bomb under your hood

Also Mrs. Klegg walked in on us with a pipe up her cats ass... (cat was happy, the wife is not..) which has caused some small production problems....Like sleeping on the sofa...

We are working on it...

Remeber out motto "answers to questions no one has asked.."

well, i'm pretty upset that my Richard Gere mod to the Stage I Mod was deleted from this thread...

I am sure that Richard Gere would've been proud to have contributed in such a large (no pun intended) way to the continued inovations of our beloved RX-8's.

Originally posted by BRx8
well, i'm pretty upset that my Richard Gere mod to the Stage I Mod was deleted from this thread...

Shhhhhhh....that one is still TOP SECRET!!

Originally posted by klegg
Shhhhhhh....that one is still TOP SECRET!!

what's so "Top Secret" about this mod? I've been using the Richard Gere® Twin Gerbil Forced Insertion mod for a few years now...i've had it on my 3000GT VR4 Twin Gerbil, my 300ZX Twin Gerbil, and my 3rd Gen RX-7 Twin Gerbil...i even went all out and stuck "Powered by Richard Gere" stickers all over my car...FI (forced insertion) should work great on the RX-8 :D

Is there a jerry penecole mod in the works...(FYI he was a phila newscaster who actually left town after a gerbil story got around)

LOL!!!! This is a FUNNY thread! :D

Originally posted by klegg
Is there a jerry penecole mod in the works...(FYI he was a phila newscaster who actually left town after a gerbil story got around)

even had his own talk show for awhile. man that story shut him up fast.

I don't know why, but while I was lurking I remembered this thread and decided to resurrect it simply so the newer members may see it. I always thought it was pretty funny myself, but I myself am a cynic. Must have been the continous talk of a lack of power in the car.

Still have my KleggSpeed installed and I am still kickin' the snot out of stikered up Integras and Civics. :)

Whew, it's a good thing you're not racing those cars with a stock RX-8. US spec RX-8's are so slow they wouldn't stand a chance against either.

Now if the Civics and Integras weren't firing on all four cylinders, then Kleggspeed wouldn't be as necessary, or maybe I'm just crazy?

The stickers make them faster but not fast enough for KelggSpeed!!!

You know, I forgot just how great this thread was...to think it was the product of a lot of alcohol.




Kleggspeed is still working on various projects.....our nda with mazda keeps me from saying more.........lets just say that we are tapping the potential of seamonkeys...


remember our motto...


"KLEGGSPEED....Real genius, faux products"

It's been a while and since then the competition has been working. If you thought the Kleggspeed was good, you'll love Mr. B's hybrid. It's like the Klegg but it's mounted to your rotary. The rat driven fly wheel provides the extra torque at launch that's missing from your rotary. Now, rat power has been used before, but what makes Mr. B's hybrid special is that this is the first rat-driven engine that recovers power while braking. That's right. When you apply the brakes, the rats are obligated to run backwards which winds them up tight. Then, when you're ready to gun it, all that pent-up energy is released. Get 30 mpg around town in your RX8? Believe it. Get 300 hp where the rubber meets the road? Believe it. Because of our unique energizing system, crack, meth and other illegal substances and immigrants are not required so there is no danger when the police searches your car, and there's less for your card-carrying PETA girl friend to grouse over.

Hybrid kit with cage, flywheel, mounting instructions and rats - $699.
Additional kits (they're stackable, three will fit in the 8) -$599
Extra rats - $29 each.
Optimize your CZ for rat power. $89 + shipping both ways.

If you order now, get the special droppings catcher free, normally a $59 value. Shipping extra, from Orange County, CA. PM me for exact shipping cost.

I'm also proud to offer the following accesseries for your Kleggspeed:

Droppings catcher - $59
Give your cats a tuneup with Mr. B's furball purgative. - $29 per cat.
Replacement rats - $29
Coke - street price (call)
Meth - street price (call)
Cattle prod batteries (pack of 4) - $3
Premium gerbils - $15 each
Gerbils Gere pack (includes 3 premium gerbils, rodent shampoo and a 15 inch washable retrieval line) - $45

As my own attorney, you are hereby ordered to cease and desist all rodent based development. Failure to comply will result in legal action for infringing on KLEGGSPEEDS intellectual property....


Very funny, by the way.

I just saw a tv commercial about your Kleggspeed mod. Irving Oil is onto you. (http://www.irvingoil.com/company/player.asp?vid=hamsternb)

Dear Klegg,

I ordered your Stage 2 mod with the CAT BACK ATTACK system, and wasn't particularly pleased with the results. The power was fine, but I was hoping for a more aggressive tone. The rats did a bit of hissing, which was good, but the cat was only purring. While the purring did sound nice, I wanted something more aggressive so I did a bit of modding on my own.

I bought 2 more wheels (slightly smaller than the stage2 mod wheel) and put them both under the hood. I had the wheels made of lexan, since they needed to be clear, and they seem to be holding up pretty well. The rat wheel needs to be 2" thick to hold the wieght, but the cat wheel only needs to be 1" thick. The 3 rats still power the drivetrain, but the cat now provides boost for the rats. When you turn ignition, an opaque divider drops down and allows the cat to see the rats.

If you're planning on doing something similar I should warn you not to set it up the way you might think. While it's true that cats chase rats, your monster african rats weren't the slightest bit scared of the tabby. In fact, as soon I started the car I was launched backwards at about 30 mph. Good think I always buckle up - I coulda broken a tooth or something.

So I switched it around so that the rats chase the cat and everything is great. There's a pretty big performance boost, and the sound is awesome! Man can those rats snarl! And the cat really screams.

Of course, I'm no longer smog certified. But at least I don't need to carry around the crack anymore.

Anyway, just thought you might want to know about my little experiments. Perhaps you could offer something similar with a warranty. Maybe find something to replace those lexan wheels - if they break I'll have a bloody mess under the hood. So I'd really go for a warranteed alternative.

Your loyal customer,
Asmoran

Dear Asmoran,

Thank you for your recent suggestions. We at kleggspeed always support innovation in the mod community. It just so happens that we also tried the cat/rat approach....we have installed a garage door over the resultant hole.

Due to recent immagration issues, our supply of albanian engineers has dried up...would you be interested in discussing a position on our world leading bio-mechanical staff? If so send your resume to "Boostd7"

Thanks for your support!
Klegg.











'