Copyright 1997 W. Bruce Cameron
Please do not remove the copyright from this essay


Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was
visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected
as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at
the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table
asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be
all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during
the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event:
__________________________________________________ ________

CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove
dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out.
I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
__________________________________________________ ________

CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
eriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I
am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.
__________________________________________________ ________

CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more
beans.

JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA; I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced
from all the beer.
__________________________________________________ __________

CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. ! Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,
was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. Bitch is
starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an
aphrodisiac?
__________________________________________________ _____

CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding
by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning
my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to
stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
__________________________________________________ ______

CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my
lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
__________________________________________________ _

CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am
worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the
world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll
know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing! it's too painful.
Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll
just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
__________________________________________________ __

CHILI # 8 LESTER'S LAST OF THE RED-HOT LOVER'S CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for
all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
mild or hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not
sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have
reacted to a really hot chili?

That was great. I was laughing so hard I had tears streaming down my face because it reminded me of the time I took one of my East Coast buddies with me to New Mexico. I took him to this little hole-in-the-wall Mexican restaurant that is known for its spicy food (understatement of the century). The salsa had a nice bite to it and this poor guy had so much sweat running off of his forehead that I thought he was going to give Niagra Falls a run for its money. When dinner was finally served, it looked like he was going to have a thermo-nuclear melt-down! Needless to say he didn't talk to me for about a year after that trip. :p

Great stuff, made my night!!

FANTASTIC!!!! ME GUSTA MUCHO, HOMBRE!!!

I've seen that joke/story before ... definitely one of my all-time favorites. But, being a native NWerner transplanted to Texas, I have to say I was disappointed with the local chili cookoff (hosted at JSC). None of the chilis were really that hot. So last year some of the other transplants I work with started our own team. It's kinda ironic that the non-Texans are working to make a good tasting and hot chili. So if any of you Houstonites want to check out this year's chili cookoff, PM me. I think it's in May, but I can't remember.

holy fu*ken shit that was the funniest thing i ever read.. couldnt stop laughing everytime i read "FRANK" hahaha.. goddamn nearly shitted myself reading. which reminds me.. needsta take a shitter.. brb

I've always gotten a good laugh from this story. Any Tucker Max fans in here by chance?

This story is actually Copyright 1997 W. Bruce Cameron. The original can be found on his site (http://www.wbrucecameron.com/pages/columns/chilijudge.htm).

Originally posted by IkeWRX
I've always gotten a good laugh from this story. Any Tucker Max fans in here by chance?

hilarious! i've been reading www.tuckermax.com for the past 2 hours now...this guy is great although not someone you'd want coming to your house party...funny thing is, he seems real cuz he names a few places in Chicago that are really there

Originally posted by eccles
This story is actually Copyright 1997 W. Bruce Cameron. The original can be found on his site (http://www.wbrucecameron.com/pages/columns/chilijudge.htm).

yea, got it from a forward just recently...i guess i better plug that copyright up there somewhere

PS - i see the ending got changed around a bit as well on it's rounds around the Internet...

Originally posted by BRx8
i guess i better plug that copyright up there somewhere

PS - i see the ending got changed around a bit as well on it's rounds around the Internet... No problem. Yeah, it's an interesting exercise in linguistics and folklore to see how these things get munged as they're passed around. I originally heard the story a couple of years ago, but I was told that it was by Dave Barry!

I plan to get TMD (Tucker Max Drunk) tomorrow, anyone else? :p

I hear ya Ike. A few thanksgivings ago I cooked a huge turkey for a bunch of friends. One of them rewarded my services by bringing a bottle of chili-infused vodka, so I proceeded to drink most of it, shot by shot.... The rest of the night is kind of fuzzy, but I well remember the hell that was the next morning.

Originally posted by rabinabo
I hear ya Ike. A few thanksgivings ago I cooked a huge turkey for a bunch of friends. One of them rewarded my services by bringing a bottle of chili-infused vodka, so I proceeded to drink most of it, shot by shot.... The rest of the night is kind of fuzzy, but I well remember the hell that was the next morning.

Funny you should mention Vodka, I just got about 6 bottles from someone that was closing out his vodka selections. Some Charbay, Van Gogh, and some other oddball imported vodkas. I will be consuming those for the first few hours of the day and then later switching over to some wines I've had stashed away for a few years. Some nice Ernest Burn and Bott Geyl Alsacians :)

Don't recognize the wines (until recently still a grad student), but I can see you like some quality vodka. For some reason I knew you were all right, you just like to argue a little, but forums are made for debate.

Since I've been living in San Diego, tequila has been like mother's milk to me, especially in the last few years. In fact, there's a habanero-chili-infused bottle of Sauza that's been steeping for a month in my freezer :) It must be incredibly hot, but for tomorrow....

Tequila is something that I have yet to find a real appreciation for... though a nice silver tequila every now and then like Patron, Don Eduardo, Don Tacho, or Sauza is a wonderful thing :)

Solid. Good tequila can be a very fine thing. It's just that it's difficult to find the good stuff in most places. Lately I've been drinking Corralejo, and it's definitely been good to me.