"I'm dying!", he croaked.

"There's something stuck in my throat...", she choked.

"I can't breathe", he gasped.

"I'm coming!", he ejaculated.

"I'm fabricating Pyrex labware," he retorted.

"Walrus for dinner again?" she blubbered.

"The water's too hot in this jacuzzi!" she blanched.

"Here comes a big loogie", he spat.

The chef denied his homosexuality, as he stood at his cutting board mincing.


You get the idea. Run with it!

"No I'm not! I just have something in my eye!" he cried out.

"Lower your damn voice!" the mom yelled.

"Silence is golden.", she screamed!

"You're telling a lie", said the mute.

"F**K ME !" she cried - more in hope than anger .

She fumed, "You can't smoke in here!"

"Where's the damn light switch?" he asked darkly.

"This steak is too tough to chew," she said bitingly.

"Holy crap!" exclaimed the Bishop.

"Does this taste funny?" he asked jokingly

Ah, good old Tom Swifties:

"I'm wearing my wedding ring," said Tom with abandon.

"The Arabs caught me stealing," Tom said offhandedly.

"This boat is leaking," said Tom balefully.
"Give me a haircut," Tom said barbarously.

“I found my trousers,” Tom panted.

“I had a sex-change operation,” Tom said broadly.

“I want to go fishing,” Tom carped.

“I want to go bird hunting,” Tom groused.

“Tell me the myths about elves,” Tom implored.

“Go use a Tampax,” Tom ragged.

"I like pie!", he pied... pie... purple monkey dishwasher.

“The wood is not cedar,” Tom opined.

“I need inspiration,” Tom mused.

“The pie tastes bitter,” Tom said tartly.

"I like boobies," Tom tittered.

Gazing at her panties, he slipped into a crotchety mood...

"They sure pulled the wool over my eyes" he said with knitted brow.

He sprinted over the finish line, his mind racing.

"This tire has no air!" he said flatly.

"I'll build it myself!" declared the blind man, as he picked up his hammer and saw.

"I think I'm going to throw-up!" he spewed.

At a loss for a good Scrabble word, he reached for another tile but still drew a blank...

A strong dislike for red meat was his major beef.

“Go use a Tampax,” Tom ragged.

Better still:

"Go to the store and get me some Tampax!" she ragged.

"Blow on the fire!" he bellowed.

"I cut myself on accident with this knife!" he said sharply.

"How was your day? Mine was good, I was a little tired when I woke up. I quickly made myself ready for work then started my day. It was pretty sluggish at first, but it picked up quickly when everyone got their and we started gossiping about you know who. Other than that not much else happend until lunch. We all went out of the office to eat and had a wonderful lunch. The chicken I ordered was a bit dry but I ate it anyway since I was starving. We were almost late coming back and nearly got in trouble. After that I did paper work for the rest of the day and stayed to myself pretty much. Finally is was time to come home, traffic was pretty backed up but it wasn't as bad as yeserdays. That day was the worst ever, I don't think I've seen anything as bad as it was then! The heat was definitely what made it so unbearable! But anyway, like I was saying I finally got home and here I am just getting ready to make dinner, I don't really know what I want to make I have so many choices, what would you like?" She rambled.

"Let me to spread wider" she said openly.



:cwm27:

"Hey, this is a live grenade!", he exploded.

“So the prisoner escaped down a rope,” Tom condescended.

“I’m going to St. Louis,” Tom said archly.

"I'm going straight to the police!" he squealed.

The missing sailor was last seen being sucked under the boardwalk by a big WAVE.

“Maybe I shouldn’t go fishing,” Tom debated.

"I'm afraid of mice!" she squeaked.

She had doubts about napping with the seven dwarves, but she did feel sleepy.

"I hate chopping onions" she minced.

"What did you do with the barbeque?" she grilled.

"The situation is grave," Tom said cryptically.

"I dropped the toothpaste," said Tom, crestfallen.

"I never thought I'd be standing in the middle of a boy's chorus" she said with glee.

"I need a Wonder Bra," she said flatly.

He wasn't sure if he was capable of unclogging the toilet, but he decided to take the plunge.

"Your boobs are too small."

"Get off my back!"

"I like Mopar," Tom said dodgily.

"I'm fond of comic books" he marveled.

"I need a Wonder Bra," she said flatly.

Winner!

"Stop the bus!" she cried haltingly.

"I beat my former wife," Tom expounded.

"You've got to drill that hole a lot deeper" he bored.

She continued to needle him: "Your sewing skills are terrible".

http://thinks.com/words/tomswift.htm

Santa Claus greeted the 3 prostitutes: "Ho ho ho!"

"I'm pretty pissed my SICK_ITS name got changed" He roared before being forced to leave.

"I never puked so much in my life", she spewed.

"Everything looks yellow to me" he said, with a jaundiced eye.

"I take the same way home every day", he backtracked.

"I love my new dog!", she said in a husky voice.

"Why did you get a female dog?" Tom bitched.

"She looks like an angel," Tom harped.

"Elvis is dead," Tom said expressly.

"I loves me this candy bar," Tom snickered.

"You really should wear a bra, grandma" he said sagaciously.

"I'd rather have a glass of claret" he whined.

"I wish I could just hang my butt out the window!" he mooned.

"I'm afraid the accident removed your butt" the doctor said, exasperated.

"Is it getting warm in here?" he asked feverishly.

"nice boobs! " he mouthed .

damit - i'm not getting it am I .....

"I've been bitten by a snake!" he cried venemously.

"show me your headlights" he beamed

"Mffgl mha flrrm" he said, tongue-in-cheek.

It must be great to be a cunning linguist.

"that's twice now" he reiterated

"There goes a big raven!" he crowed.

She was circumspect as she examined his crotch...

"I'm hung like a horse," Tom said cockily.

"I'm going skydiving," Tom explained.

"I'm a pirate," Tom said groggily.

"The hive is buzzing," Tom bemoaned.

"You can stop lathering me up now" she bubbled.

"I'm taking a wiz," Tom pointed out.

The First Lady fell back on the bed, drained. "I'm bushed" she sighed.

(sorry...)

The young Indian brave kissed his girlfriend goodbye, jumped in his canoe, took three quick strokes and shot-off across the lake.

Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.

Old fishermen never die; they just smell that way.

"Just sit still while I dust you with flour" he pattered.

"Oh my God, I think my water just broke!", she gushed.

Eating oatmeal can be a gruelling task.

"Oh my God, I think my water just broke!", she gushed.

That IS funny, my dear, but I have to admit even after all these years, it sent a shiver up my spine when I first read it! :)

"Oh, I'm so sorry, it must be the beans...", he blurted.

"I'm sooo wet", she said dryly.

"Who farted?" Tom sniffed.

"I'm in the Infantry," Tom grunted.

"I'm up here," Tom said overtly. "I'm on top of the hill," he bluffed.

"Mines bigger than yours", he said cockily.

"I love to play with my pussy cat", she purred.

"The only thing I'm sure of is yesterday", she said knowingly.

"I never use inhalants," Tom huffed.

"I'm tired of turning this lever," Tom said crankily.

"I can't say I've ever had animal sex", he said sheepishly.

"Viagra", he said rigidly

"I'm completely out of Viagra!" he explained limply.

"I so used to enjoy card games" she said wistfully.

"I hope you remember your suspenders next time" Tom said, as he belted his wife.

I abstain from sunless tanning lotion on my chest.

I spent the afternoon loafing around a bakery.

"Lucy, do you remember the minuet?"

"Lord, child, I don't remember the men I married!"

"I just had a vision of a fat transvestite!" he divined.

"Watch out for that magazine on the floor" she said, dancing around the issue.

"They amputated because of gangrene in both ankles" he said in a defeated tone.

"I swallowed a clock" she said watchfully.

"I have to thank you for this new sketchbook" she said, drawing a conclusion.

He watched her cut her hair in shear delight.

"I'd rather not have pancakes" she waffled.

Two maggots making love in dead earnest.

"Dammit, I just walked right into that building!" she said, stone-faced.

"I love to drive my RX-8 fast," Tom chirped.

"Are you gay?" Tom queried.

"I never use cocaine," Tom snorted.

"I'm the world's greatest expert on metals," Tom said brazenly.

"Is it a sloppy job?" Tom half asked.

"I'm pretty pissed my SICK_ITS name got changed" He roared before being forced to leave.

"I'm pretty pissed my SICK_ITS name got changed," he bandied.

"I'm in the Infantry," Tom grunted.

"But I've never been promoted," Tom said privately.

"I'm looking for a prostitute tonight" said John.

"Don't be so stiff about taking Viagra, Dick"

"Earr..." he puffed.

"My skin is positively glowing!" she said lightly.

"I'm up in the church steeple!" he said, inspired.

Q: Where do cousins come from?
A: Ant holes

"Ok, I'll suck it again" she hummed.

"I've got a bug on my forehead" he observed, somewhat beetle-browed.

"There goes another Sonnet- I hate Swedish cars" she said between sobs.

"Is it in yet?" she inquired penetratingly.

"I can't say I've ever had animal sex", he said sheepishly.

"But I'm ready now. It's just me an ewe, lamb chop..." he bleated.

"Is it in yet?" she inquired penetratingly.

"I think it's in as far as it will go..." he probed.

"Put folds in my skirt," she pleaded.

"I paid my dues again," Tom rejoined.

"I'm a professional golfer," Tom proclaimed.

"The elves are dishonest," Tom implied.

"Thar she blows," Tom wailed.

"I've taken my Viagra," Tom affirmed.

"It's on the fireplace mantel," Tom alleged.

"I don't like anal sex," Tom asserted.

"There are many joints in this skelton," Tom articulated.

"I never shoot heroin," Tom injected.

"Owls are interesting birds" Tom hooted.

"Where's my bugle?!" Tom trumpeted.

"You have no sense of rhythm" Tom drummed.

"I'm going to play for the opposing team instead" Tom decided.

"I bet I could be a much better pope" Tom pontificated.

"I feel like an old dog with too many pups" Tom bitched.

"Do you really think I sound like Harry Connick Jr.?" he crooned.

"Do you like my bird calls?" she warbled.

"Edwin Aldrin was the second man to set foot on the moon." he buzzed.

"Somebody knocked-over my hive!" Tom bemoaned.

"Who are you calling an old hen?!" she cackled.

"That dog is a mongrel," Tom muttered.

"I think I'll study cud-chewing animals" he ruminated.

"Take off your slacks!" she panted.

"I poured it all back in the bottle" he recanted.

"I really like the song "Desperate But Not Serious" he said adamantly.

"I'm running out of ideas," Tom said.

"That cow needs to be milked" she uttered.

"I guess I won't work this old mine after all" he declaimed.

"Can my U-boat sail next to yours?" the captain subjoined.

An off-topic Haiku:

my doctor said that
haiku would help my Tourettes
shit shit shit shit shit

"I think that's a water buffalo" she yacked.

"I like condiments" Tom relished.

"I can never get enough scallops" she clammored.

"You lure the bird into the bag with your flashlight" he sniped.

"I think the enema is going to work this time" she gushed.

"Going over the top is my favorite part of the roller-coaster" she wheezed.

"Getting the meat out of the shell can be hard" he crabbed.

"Watch me do my trampoline tricks!" she cried flippantly.

"I just can't sit on this horse anymore" he derided.

An off-topic Haiku:

my doctor said that
haiku would help my Tourettes
shit shit shit shit shit

that seriously made me Laugh Out Loud!

"I can't eat these grapes yet," she whined.

"I think the enema is going to work this time" she gushed.

:puke:

"I'm going to shorten this skirt" she hemmed.

"Finish your omelet!", Tom egged him on.

"I never smoke marijuana," Tom said bluntly.

Tom liked to play a little 3-card monty as he gamboled down the street.

"If you won't smoke a doob, how about a little rock?" he cracked.

"Alright, stop asking me- I admit it: I'm a spelunker!" Tom caved.

"I haven't seen a single Indian village all day" she said without reservation.

"i don't like bubblegum," jane smacked, "I like heroin though."

Tom stood up and said, "I have gonorrhea, too", as the others clapped.

"I'm just a beginner" said Primus.

"Will the cannibals really eat us? she asked tastefully.

"You can have all those little chocolate covered cherries" he said cordially.

One for the Trekkies:

Lt. Uhura was enthralled by the Gamesters of Triskelion.

Sly Stone watched the sexton toss the last shovelfull of dirt onto the grave, as he thought about a dramatic career change. "I can dig it" he said to himself.